Wednesday, December 30, 2009


Ok so... never in my life did i think i'd be in the middle of the sweetest time in my walk with God, at a point in my life when I a questioning everything about my identity.

Yet it's a big deal to be in the position that i'm in... i feel very.. idont even know the word for it.

It's agreat thing to be on the giving end of a friendship.. to be the one who is for once the one who is listening instead of talking all the time. even when that talking has to do with comforting someone else. when crying is a release to the father for the anguish of someone else.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

I'm so neglectful

I've been running so much lately that I haven't posted like I should and like I've wanted to.

So much has been going on lately that it all seems to run together. For instance I have 23 days left in my bet with Kdasher and I am winning and have no intentions of losing. which means she and I will be shopping after christmas which she doesnt like to do but then again I dont like not talking to boys either.

Yes I actually haven't talked to a boy in well it's been so long I can't remember and believe it or not things are alot less chaotic without the added drama that the men i seem to attract often bring to the table.

I'm in a position with my walk that I love. Actually this week my kids Got to pie me as you can see with the pics. they learned their scriptures and I had to reward them but lesson learned that will never happen again. I will never underestimate the power of bribary when it comes to young girls.
It was well worth it!

Friday, December 11, 2009


With the help of my "hurricane mom" I realized something today. Life isn't fair. Don't sit there and go duh.. I'm serious. I never realized how complicated that statement was until today.

We were having on of our usual conversations you know the kind that starts out casual and then ends up with one preaching to the other. just your A typical conversation between christain women. When she said you know the more time you spend analyzing and watching the things in life that you want that dont have pretty soon that's all your doing. Which is absolutly correct. I've always wanted a relationship that I will never have, the close knit relationship with my mom. And no amount of me analyzing and comparing, and just down right complaining is ever going to change that.

However, I feel very humbled right now. Not only did God send me one mom he sent me ten. What started out as five has slowly grown to ten. Some closer than others actually 5 closer than the rest. What i needed he supplied plus ten times more than I could have ever expected and he brought them in at the exact moments i needed them . Whether they realize it or not they have played tremendous roles in the craziness that is my life. And while there have been rocky points. Somehow things seems to develop better and deeper after a storm usually of my causing.

I realized something else today. that was not so thrilling. I have absolutly no idea who I am..... that's a bad place to be on the walk with God. that's a bad place to be period. As loud and opinionated as I am you'd think I know the answer to that but 'I really have no idea and that scares me. My mini-nervous breakdown yesterday brought somethings to my attention that I'd rather have left where they were. After all I've been through, and everything I've learned have I really pushed me away so long that I can't retrieve it? That can't be possible. I'm so confused right now and I'm not sure what to do.......

Thursday, December 10, 2009

FInally done or so I thought

My last day of class was today with the completion of my last final... I should probably be relieved but I'm not. When one area of my life seems to fall into place another one falls perfectly to pieces. Hundreds and hundreds of pieces..

I haven't mentioned this yet but I recently got a car which is a huge thing since I haven't had one of my own since my senior year of high school.

My sister's babysitter broke her hip Friday night so therefore we no longer have one. Guess who the new one is..... ME. I'm so agitated and aggravated that i'm to the point of losing my cool. I have things that I have to do during the week and you can't really do anything with a two year old strapped to your hip. I made arrangements everyday this week so that I could go take my finals. I thought that by Friday my mother would have something worked out so that I could go to my volunteer project tomorrow. No such luck.

I may sound selfish but I have literally no patience left and usually I'm very well adjusted to watching zoey but this week with finals and everything else going on I want some whine down time. I need a day of absolutely nothing to do and nobody calling my name. But that will never happen. I haven't been the far at the end of my rope in along time.

I am so tired. Tired and worn out. I think if I let myself I would sleep for days.
but even then I'm sure that somebody would call my name. I hear people calling my name in my sleep.

When I reach the end of my rope the only thing left to do is grab the hem of his garment.

Please pray that I dont completely lose it...

Thursday, November 26, 2009


Today is the one day a year when we are all asked to ponder over what we're thankful for. Ond day out of 365 other days.

My family's functions are always drama filled if my mother isn't fighting with one or all three of her sisters and her mom it isn't a family function. or somebody is missing. They all criticise one another's cookies and inadvertantly dawg out each other's children.

However this is the family that God gave me. Yet I'm thankful for another family today. The one that God created when he sent me to my church. The people that love me no matter what.

Sunday, November 22, 2009


Over the last few weeks I've found myself in a strange position with one of my new well actual it's an old relationship but at the same time it's in the rebuilding stages.

Yet as time has passed as it often does. The roles that always defined our relationship have been completely destroyed and what used to be boundaries no longer exist. Almost as if the old one completely died and a new one was created.

It's almost as if I've become the giver and she the receiver. In essence I am the strong one and she has become the one who needs me to be the strong one. Its an odd feeling for me since I have never been the one who was needed. I have always been the one in need. However at this point in my walk I find it oddly refreshing that he will see fit that it was my time to equip me to help her. I do find myself inadequate. I don't feel worthy to help her and I'm not sure that I know how. I say what I think I should and what I feel lead to tell her. On the other hands I've made her more than I would ever want to in my entire life and it's only been a few weeks. I guess the point in this blog was to express my fear. I'm terrified that I will fail her in some way. Being that i am human and make many mistakes I fear that I will fall short of what she needs me to be. As she has never let me down before I can't fail her.

Fear is a funny thing. It can keep you from saying the things that need to be said, but it can also force you to overcome temptation you thought you never would. Disappointing people one in particular is what seems to be my driving force. I'm reading more than I ever have and praying more than I ever thought I would.
I find myself wanting to help a feeling I've don't think I've ever experienced to this degree. I almost feel helpless.

I can hear the utter unhappiness in her voice I see less and less of the woman I admired and remember and I can not escape the overwhelming sensation that she needs my help but I have no clue how to even begin. The fact that she is stubborn and strong willed and almost impossible to break doesn't make it any easier. The driving force has become so overwhelming that I can not fail. Even though I am afraid I refuse to stand by and twiddle my thumbs while I slowly lose my friend, whom I dearly love.

I have to keep reminding myself that God equips the called. So therefor he must have equipped me before he called me.

Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.
—Romans 12:9-10

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Hopeless chest

I can't believe I'm actually writing a blog about this. It's come to my attention this week that I dont have a hope chest. You all know what that is I'm sure most of you had one. It's usually like a wooden chest that you put things in that you'll use when your married.

I'm only nineteen and yes I know that seems young right now but not when a good 70% of the people you know are already married, engaged or having babies.Scary thought isn't it. Try being in the 30% that isn't married, engaged, or even in a relationship and tell me how fun that is.

At nineteen this should not even be on my todo list, but for some inexplicipable reason it is. sometimes I find it rather difficult to patientally wait for the Lord. I know that he has it all undercontrol and that my perfect person has already been made for me but somehow I can't even begin to imagine my life without someone.

As i was saying earlier I have accumilated things to go into a hope chest or as my nana called it my hopeless chest. I can't believe that I'd even call it that but at times that seems appropirate. There isn't a pospect in sight, and I don't see one in the near future either.

For the next couple of days i'm goin to meditate on Psalms 37:7; Rest in the lord and wait patiently for him.

Thursday, November 12, 2009


Sometimes in life we need someone that we love to make us choose.

I had to learn this lesson the hard way this week. I have been in love with someone for almost a year now and I didn't realize that until I had my heart walked over yet again. And had been completely shattered yet again.

By now yall all know that I love aunt debbie to pieces. As well as KD. Both of them were within arms reach when the bottom dropped out tuesday. I cried until I had mascara at my chin, and coudln't see three feet in front of my face. I cried until i got sick, and until my head hurt more than my heart did. i dont even think I was mad at him for making me feel that horrible. I was more mad at the fact that I had allowed him to just walk back into my life like nothing bad had ever happened before.

As a daughter in the Kingdom of God and as part of the family of God. i should have known better. Yet i walked right into again. Like I hadn't learned anything at all from his past behavior. Almost like I had forgiven and completely forgotten about all of it.

Now on to the ultamitum part. While attempting to drive to class still in shambles and utterly heartbroken KD was once again the voice of reason. Making me choose between the two him or her. Wasn't a hard choice I love her to pieces, and do not even want ot imagine not being able to pick up the phone and call her .(been there done that)

obviously the guy didn't win this battle but i have to wonder did I want him becasue he wanted me or because I was terrified that nobody else would want me and he was the last one?

Psalms 62:1-2; My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.

I pray that I will always remember this even when it seems impossible to me.

Saturday, November 7, 2009


I guess it should come as no surprise that this is a blog topic. I always knew that me not being tempted wouldn't last very long. In the last week I believe I have been tempted so much it almost hurt not to allow myself to give in.

Friday night I had a first date. Well I guess I can't technically call it a first date because technically we had our thing in high school. Long story short it didn't end well. But the christian in me said you have to forgive and forget. You may be the only bible he ever reads. Went ot a movie and dinner in opposite order. Yes kissing was involved but that wasn't the temptation. I learned early on in the date that he was nervous. I'd never seen him nervous before at least not in front of me. Yet old habits die hard. However I didn't have the desire to push the boundaries like I thought I would.

I did have a hard time telling my circle and KD. I was actually more terrified of telling KD than I was of telling anybody all I could think was she's going to kill me. ( obviously she didn't) But this date was not where temptation came into play.

Sunday night I had some rather interesting texting conversation with yet another ex. I know I know, yall are thinking how many does she have. ENOUGH. Enough to get into trouble . I saw him monday and didn't really think anything of it.

Until we were alone riding around Millen. We finally parked and chatted for a few minutes then I had to go watch One Act . I went to open the door and he said your not getting off that easy and instantly I knew what he meant. I don't ever think my face has ever turned red that fast. Nor have I lost my breathe that fast. He just shook his head, and finally after a few moments of silence I said mind reading is not my God given gift so do what you need to do or let me go. You know the next sentence without me writing it.
Got into my car and instantly prayed lord please help me because in a few moments I could be in alot of trouble. The entire way to one Act all I could think was please dont let it be written all over my face because she will kill me.

We had a long talk after and she said Beth don't you think Satan knows how lonely you are, dont you think he knows that you're looking for a way out. Which of course made perfect sense but I was angry with her for pointing it out.

I haven't seen him in a few days which has given me time to figure out my faith in this and not just my feelings. God always provides a way for us to walk out with our feeling intact.
For the time being mine are and I ask that you pray that I seek his answers in this.
Bible verse list - Scriptures about Temptation from

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. 1 Corinthians 10:13

Sunday, November 1, 2009


All Week long my church has preformed a Judgment house for the public. I was in heaven as an angel naturally. I was such a long week but It was a fruitful one.

We had 16 first time salvation and 140 re dedications. which is a big deal. God was working and that was obvious.

I learned a lot this week and some of it has nothing to do with the Judgment house.

Friends are hard to find, and good ones are harder. In three weeks God has rebuild a relationship that I thought was absolutely impossibly broken. I thought that there was no hope for it and yet last night I found myself speaking with her in a way I hadn't don Ie in so long. I get excited about little things, and the big things usually get me through the long hard days.

I had a date friday night and for me that was a big deal becauseI haven't been on one in along time, much less a good date. But it turned out to be a great night. I did get a kiss which of course made the night.

Now have lots of praying to do.

Monday, October 26, 2009


Proverbs 17:9 Love prospers when a fault is forgiven, but dwelling on it separates close friends.

The hardest lesson I've ever had to learn is that everybody has faults. We all make mistakes and I've made more than my fair share of mistakes. Even the best laid plans can fall to pieces, and sometimes the best of intentions fall flat.

I know I'm being all metaphorical right now but it seemed to be what I needed to write. Over the past few weeks I have been and still am amazed at just how much my God does for me on a daily basis. I dont mean just things that I'm unaware of I mean things that he specifically brought to the light for me to see.

Relationships begining to heal, and doors opening that had seemingly been shut. I found out that sometimes I really do expect too much, and that can be exhausting. As your all very aware I have a circle of women that keep me in check in more ways then one.
Though each one is different they all play vital roles in my life. and eventhough right now I have a blank spot that is still under construction for the first time in a long time, I don't feel an ache. and that comes as a relief. Yes things do bother me and i often let the to-do list of the overwhelm me sometimes but other than that I have more to be thankful for than I have to complain about and that is the greatest feeling in the world.

a strange thing happens when your forced to find the answers for yourself and for the first time some of the people you knew would always be there, are too hurt by you to open up to be hurt again. Yet during this time I did a tremendous amount of growing up. I had to come face to face with my fatal fault, and make an ironclad decison that it would no longer be a part of me, and I will admit it's not the easiest thing to do but it had to be done. It was the scariest thing I've ever done in my life to this point, and it showed me who was important and who wasn't. Finally finding the stregnth to admit to myself that it was time to stop. Strange the faults you will uncover when somebody you love, and loves you withold that very thing from you. Self examination was what I needed, and I guess this is my way of thanking you.

I didn't use names in this one because if your reading this and you know it's about you then why would I need your name? Love covers a multitude of sin. Even when I don't deserve it....

Saturday, October 24, 2009


There are parts and key events in my Christian walk that are so significant that they have to be documented and this is one of those.

Yesterday my mother had an MRI done, and I was the one to drive her there. Had several test messages just to tell me that they were praying for her. One person was of particular interest to me. I called her and as almight would have shifted our days we were relatively close to one another.

I suggested she come eat lunch with us and she did. Me, my mother, and KD what an adventure that was. I was so nervous it was absurd. I don't even know what I was nervous about. I guess it has something to do with the fact that we are all given a handful of really truely wonderful friends and for a while I'd lost one of mine. We parted after lunch and I thought that would be it.
How silly of me to think that even for a fleeting moment I knew what was on the table at that point with God. ... Go from Hobby lobby, which happens to be my mothers favorite store, and run a list over to KD. Back to hobby lobby, and then back to Goodwill.

I'd prayed for a good little while that God, if he saw fit, would give me sometime to just be nineteen, and not let the endless to-do list overtake it. I got that opportunity yesterday, and as God arranged it I was with KD. Goodwill shopping with someone your attempting to re-build bridges with is a must. I could not actually believe that was the environment the almighty had arranged to open doors again. It also meant that we were in a neutral environment to talk about things without losing our composure, well at least in part.

I still find it amazing that God would allow that to be restored and evenmore that KD could still be willing to allow that to happen. The blame in the entire ordeal is my entirely my own. I still think that its a miracle. I'm still singing my praises and I probably will be for a long time coming. It never ceases to amaze me the wonderful power that my God posesses, and that in the midst of everything else when I'm faithful so is he. The secret prayer of my heart is being fulfilled right before my eyes, and I'm still standing in aww of it.

Now the healing begins and my God will make sure that we both are whole again. Regardless of hurt feelings, harsh words, and just plain wrong doing(mine) I pray that it will all be absolved. The one shot dot has given me unbelievably a third. Never could I have ever imagined that would be possible. Yet it is, and that is a miracle.

Psalms 100:5; The Lord is good, his mercy is everlasting.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009


The list of things to do today seemed to multiply almost overnight. as my mother left for Atlanta yesterday and my sister Zoey decided that she would sleep with her bef. as she can't say beth.

if you have children or small siblings then you understand the kind of sleep you get when your aware that they are in the bed. It's almost like sleeping on a plane or in a car it's not the normal sleep your accustomed to. But i went with it.

Every so often I would turn over and check her breathing, i guess that would be the mom gene, and move her out of awkward body position that i knew would result in aches and pains. Somewhere around 3 am i woke up in a state of panic i didn't see her and as soon as i threw the covers back and realized that she wasn't there i heard that familar cry that is zoey. She had literally rolled herself and her meme pillow on the floor. I scooped her up and placed her back in her spot and she was out like a light. I however, was not taking any chances and put a pillow next to her. and slowly drifted off to sleep.....

Then the wonderful world of college stepped in and decided that I hadn't been embarassed enough for one day.

And I did have a refreshing blast from the past today. which i will get into later.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Fainting flaw

Fainting seems to be my area of too much experience lately. Today I did it again. Can not believe that it happened again. Once again I end up on the floor with an entire classroom of people collectively watching my every move which makes the situation worse.

I have been told that I wasn't breathing but I seriously doubt that I stopped breathing. I remember it being difficult to breathe but other than that im kinda drawing a blank.

once again it was J.W.M. to the rescue and back to my comfortable bed which happens to be a blue mat in her office. With jackets being my pillow and blankets. Slept from about 10 something to 1 something. I felt immediately better.

Apparently I'm still moving too much or going to much or doing to much, because my body seems to be constantly telling me to stop or slow down. And when I dont comply it shuts down for me.

Its the oddest feeling in the world when I wake up it's almost like I have completely forgotten where I was. The episode today was stronger than one I've ever had it was faster and didn't give me the time to literally talk myself out of the panic before my entire body just shut off. Next thing I know I'm on the floor in somebody's lap and another person is fanning me and somebody else is calling J.W.M. to come in there. poor J she never gets to teach her classes.... lol...

Psalms 46:10: Be still and know that I am God.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

3 shot dot!

Today was just another example of how God moves and works in each of our lives everyday.

As i've posted before myself and my mother are having some health issues and I'm terribly frightened as is she.

yet in the mist of my storm once again God has chosen to show me that there is nothing he can't do for his children when they are obident.

As I've posted several times before I had a dispute with another person. and I've yet to use her name on here but today I feel like it's time to stop using "her" in place of her name, but im only putting initals. KD and i haven't exactly been having slumber parties to gush our secrets lately. I take all the blame for that entirely. I demolished that relationship right by myself didn't require any help from anyone.

It was easy at first to pour all my energy into trying to hate her and it seemed to work until I started writing this blog. And I realized that she was the first person I wanted to call. I was so excited to tell her about the work that God had been doing in me over the course of hte past 6 months. Then it occured to me that I couldn't call her and immediatley my heart was shattered instantly. But in all fairness I had no one to blame but myself as I said earlier I demolished that bridge myself.

yet I felt an ache in a place that had long been forgotten or at least had been attempted ot forget. I could no longer ignore the fact that it did matter to me if she was part of my life or not. So I bite the bullet and went to face her, well technically i cheated on that part because as she said herself i'm not the most approachable person in the world. Which is totally not true there really isnt anything that i would tell her. But never the less I sent the email and hoped for the best and I got no response.

Being the merciful and giving God that he is. He showed me that he had heard my endless prayers because the week my world crashed down on me. He decided that it was time to let me see a glimmer of hope with a light tap on my shoulder and a piece of paper no bigger than a wallet size picture lifted my mood.

And then today through circumstances that I'd rather not be in at all God gave me yet another opportunity to speak with KD and in a way it allowed us to clear the air a little more.

Believe it or not when I thought that my god had not only forgotten his child but was actually punishing his child. He showed me that he had heard exactly what I asked for alone in my closet. aNd as long as I was obident and faithful he would give me the desires of my heart.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Standing on the Promises

I let myself be surprised every time that God does something for me. Eventhough the bible tells me that the word of God is truth and will be fulfilled.

How is it that with all the faith in the world we are still amazed at the ability of the father to take care of our needs and heal things that are broken.

Over the last few weeks I feel as though my entire world has been falling down around me and yet in moments of complete weakness and frustration I have learned that in those moments I have two defined choices. 1. I can go the God way, 2. The world way.
Which probably seems like a nobrainer but it's the most difficult decision to make. It's difficult to make the right choice yet in the midst of all other trials and tribulations God shows me that he is still very much right here with me and making sure that if I fall somebody will catch me.

The hardest thing for me to do is go straight the father. I have an entire little circle of women who love the lord and always have just the right words to get me through things. They always know exactly what I need to hear almost as if God himself tells them, Beth's coming this is what you need to say, tell her exactly that and then direct her to me.

The more I talk with God during the week and the more obedient I am the faster my prayer seem to be answered and in moments of weakness he shows me that he's still very much at work in my life. It shouldn't but it still does amaze me when he shows his love for me and the work he is still doing in my life.

2 Corinthians 10:5;We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Going to the doctor today didn't do much to ease my anxiety any less.

I am however no longer afraid of whatever lies ahead. I am however still wondering a waiting to see exactly what it is that my Father has in store for me.

That's the trick I think. Being faithful enough to wait in the wilderness, and not just to wait there but to wait patiently. This is probably the hardest thing that I have ever done. I want so much for this to just be over. I am more than ready to get through this season of my life. So ready to completely just rush through it and move on to the next one. That's all that I can think of maybe the next season will be better than the one I am currently in.

I find myself ashamed of the fact that I'm so scared in this season of life that I want ot skip right on through it and move on to the next. At the same time though what am I missing here. What blessings does he have for me right now that I am missing because of my fear?

Eccleastics 3:1

To everything there is a season,
and a time to every purpose under the heaven.

I am praying now that God will show me the purpose in this season.


Saturday, October 10, 2009


I'm sure we've all had more than our equal share of embarrassing moments. Well this week I believe I surpassed even my own expectations.

I have panic attacks which I've mentioned on here before. Wednesday was a new level of humiliation for me. I was taking a rather easy Algebra quiz that I for once knew how to work the problems in. Yet I quickly found myself unable to breathe. The next thing I knew I was on the floor with about fifteen different sets of eyes staring at me. It took a moment for me to realize where I was and exactly what was going on. Moments later after I'd thrown up twice, J.W. made her appearance very much out of breath. just as it was before it was Johnna to the rescue. Little bit johnna held my body weight that day as well as her own. without even a hint that any of this had inconvenienced her. She saw more of me that day then she probably ever wanted to see in her life, but didn't flinch a bit.

This all may seem very silly to you but it was immeasurable overwhelming to me. Her thing is, it's not a problem not big deal .However it is a huge deal. her kindness and generosity literally overwhelm me. I'm still suprised at just how, i guess, nurturing she is. To a student, me no less.
I find it amusing how God places people in our lives to make things eaiser, and remind us of how important having people to turn to really is. I never imagined that she would be the constant reminder that she is, and stay levelheaded and softspoken. So this blog is written just for her. As yet another way for me to remind her just how thankful I am.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10
Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls for he has no one to help him up.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Still camping out

You'd think that after almost seven days the inital shock of it all would've worn off by now, but it hasn't.

I will admit that i'm no longer scared. It does trouble me to say that I feel like I already know just how hard the days ahead are going to be. It's like knowing something for yourself and waiting for the expert to confirm what you already know to be the reality of the situation.

I find myself like the Isralites still camped out by the mouth of the Jordan. They had it easy. They were there for 3 days, I'm at seven with a long way to go. yet the God that provided for them is the very same one who provided for me. and will keep providing for me. It would be foolish of me to assume that I'd seen what God could do. In the last four days alone he's completely shaken my preconceived notions of what he is capable of. He is always working, always watching, and always loving.

Just saying that last sentence amazes me that he is exactly that and so much more than I could ever possibly imagine. I'm so privileged to know that he is perfect and knows exactly what i need before I can even begin to form the question in my mind.

For now I am still camping awaiting and anticipating the awesomeness that is our GOD.

Psalms 27:14; wait for the lord; be strong and take heart, and wait for the lord.

Saturday, October 3, 2009


I have to apologize for being so busy that I let my performance on this blog suffer. I had a whirl whin of a week and have to share what God did for me.

First I've had alot of trouble with my lymph-nodes, and I finally had enough of trying to figure out what it was. So I went to my doctor who said that I needed to see a hematologist(blood doctor), and an oncologist( cancer specialist). I was completely fine until he said the word oncologist. At that moment I literally felt the air being slowly let out of me. I speed dialed aunt debbie who as usual was saying Beth don't panic until you know what it is. Of course I had ot track her down and she prayed with me and I felt a little better. But I could not get the thought of your going to die out of my head. Well little did I know that the God I so lovingly serve had already started writing my next days.

That night I was in total terror. I couldn't let my mind rest and I also could not find the strength to simply ask God to calm the storm for me and transform me while I was venturing into this new wilderness.
I was on Facebook as I usually am, and frantically searching for familar faces to calm the storms for me.(which is not a good idea) But I had a welcome apology and much needed anti-anxiety.

Thursday I had to take Levi to get his chicken pox shot, and the health department where we live couldn't do it because we have insurance. So I took him to my mama's and she said call the one here Beth and see what they say. I did and they had the shot and it was a mess trying ot get them to see him. I had to go back four hours later for him to get the shot he needed.

The nurse that was helping me with levi's information had heard me say the doctors that I needed to see, and she politely said are you scared. It wasn't a question it was more and acussation of how dare you be scared. I told her I was terrified which was a 100% true, but i'm not the one who writes my days. She chucked and said I knew you were one of us this morning when you handled that situation so well.

The next nurse was christian as well obviously. soon after levi had his shots both nurses came into the room with us and grabbed our hands and prayed. It was the most calming feeling I've ever experienced. Then when it was just me and the second nurse in the room she said to me your going ot be ok regardless of how hard the road looks. I nodded. Then she said its reassuring to know that the same God who saved me so many years ago i can see dwelling in you.
Then when I went into the room with the first nurse again she said basically the same thing the previous woman had said. Then she said something that brought me to tears. I see my Jesus radiating through you.

Luke 12:22; Then Jesus said to his disciples: "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest? .

If he has brought me to it he will lead his child through it.


Monday, September 28, 2009


This past weekend has been anything but restful for me.... After my long night thursday I had a full day friday. Zoey had a Pageant in Atlanta so it was coach time for me. I was exhausted when we got there, and the events of the night before still bothered me.

I found my self wondering how she went from the girl in the dora dora pajamas to the diva in the dress. I know she's so pretty she hurts.

This weekend was as God filled as it could have been. Before we were even fifteen minutes from home my mother got three tickets. Then the first hotel room had mold in it, the second room had ants in it, and on the way home the battery was dead in the car.
If that wasn't a sign from God I don't know what is.

This weekend more than ever I fully came to terms with what it means to rest in the lord. Between all the running around and chasing Zoey throughout the hotel and going all day long without eating, and then taking a two year old on stage was not exactly my idea of a restful weekend. But we learn to roll with the punches.

My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken. (Psalm 62:1-2)


Thursday, September 24, 2009


It's 1:50 am.... I haven't been to sleep and probably won't go to sleep. It's almost two am I've had class all day and finished a paper tonight, and yet I know that the mom reading this is thinking nineteen year old girl that I know is up and writing, must be boy trouble and you'd be correct.

I've just come out of the worst kind of storm. The kind your not even aware that your in until it all crashes in around you. I'm writing a book for crying out loud. I should be very aware of the situations that I'm in. I should know better. I am so glad I am not standing in front of my Father right now, I wouldn't want him to see the mess that is me at this moment.

Yet, I didn't. I instead chose to wrap it up in a bow and fool myself into thinking that it might be different. That the work God has done in me would somehow make me able to change him into the man I needed him to be. Here's a helpful hint if it didn't work the first time, or the second time, its not going to work the third time. The only difference this time is I hadn't changed who I am, and wasn't willing to compromise how far i'd come. The same man who said I wasn't the marrying kind, is the same one who has me up at 2 am realizing that I am not in control. I can't do anything on my own, and fixing him is not in God's divine plan for me. So at two am I am handing it over never to take it back again. Putting a block on my phone so that I can't even if I'm tempted. I have the greatest friend ever (SAC) who calls and makes sure that I'm past panic mode. I thank God that she wasn't asleep.

I found myself in the last hour saying Father I dont need any more material. And he whispers this did not come from me.

Somebody reading this knows what I'm talking about. This is one those defining moments. A moment when hitting the delete button on all that God has given me and doing what I had to do, and Refusing to settle in the midst of the storm and waiting for God to pull me out.

I chose to wait.

I am hurting right now, and I'm probably going to get no sleep tonight. But I am so much better off knowing that my God is right here with me. Every tear that happens to fall he catches, and is constantly reminding me how important I am to him and how great his love is for me.

It may hurt me now,but that is a way for my father to bring me something better.
This verse is actually the screen saver on my computer.

Psalms 37:7: Rest in the lord and wait patiently for him.



We all experience it at one point in time or another. It's the worst feeling in the world. And if your like me it can literally shut your body down for anywhere between 5-30 minutes. Yes, we all know that Beth is prone to panic attacks.

Over the last several weeks I've had a few of these violent things and let me tell you i wouldn't jump right to fun. I have however learned that scripture is one of the few things that makes it eaiser to deal with things. I'm going to talk about my teacher Mrs. Ware again, only becasue she said something to me that rings so true. She and I were chatting and she looked at me and said Beth we serve a God who can handle anything we hand to him and we are equipped to handle anything he hands to us. So just hand it over and he will take care of it.

How simple is that and yet I still find myself doubting that the God that helped me yesterday couldn't possibly help me today. During my bible study this week the topic was breaking boundaries. The speaker stated that we all put God in this little box and we carry it around with us everywhere. But our boxes are filled with things he's done for us in the past and we don't usually leave room for him to do new things for us in the future. So the God we serve takes our boxes turns them upside down and shakes them. yall see what Im getting at here.

I know I put him in a box daily and think well I can handle this myself. Which by the way if your trying out this philosophy too let me save you sometime it never works.

I'm going to challenge each of you(including myself) to break some boundaries with God today and everyday for that matter. We have to learn that the God that helped us yesterday, can and will help us today, and tomorrow and for the rest of our lives. IF we let him..

Casting the whole of your care all your anxieties, all your worries, all your concerns, once and for all on Him, for He cares for you affectionately and cares about you watchfully. 1 Peter 5:7

Here's the final thought we serve a God who is just as concerned about our worries and troubles and triumphs as we are. If it concerns us I promise it concerns him.


Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Walking and Talking

I had lunch with one of my friends this week and she'd brought along one of her own . The conversation went from polite and friendly to absolutely horrid. Now two years ago I would've joined in gladly and probably would've enjoyed every moment of it. However in the last two years God has done alot of work in me, so much in fact I'm surprised he got around to anybody else.

What shocked me the most was that my friend has been in church her entire life, and knows what the bible says about being impure or setting our sights on things of this world. Yet I was the one who was OUT OF PLACE, and very aware of how much the conversation made me feel uncomfortable. They proceeded to give juicy details of their many extravagant experiences with men, and yet I was not provoked to join in. Don't misunderstand I do not do everything right, and I am saddened to say that I do have experience in that area. And yet I was absolutely like a fish out of water in the mist of the conversations surrounding me.

I don't think that I was every so aware of the exact word of God against the very subject they had delighted themselves in talking about. I secretly prayed that he would give me a way to swing the conversation my way without having to become the wet blanket. Almost instantly they began talking about the twilight series and how they longed for a romance like that. I was very quick to point out that they both could have one as long as they were willing to delete sex from the equation of their relationships.
They both looked at me like I had just spoken martian or something and began to laugh. and reply well never mind. I then said well you know what the bible says, not even a hint of immorality between you. they gave me the martian look again,and quickly made excuses to leave.

I left that day thinking of a particular verse: Romans 12:2
"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."

Thank God for allowing me to be so lost in love with him that I have become the alien that he wants me to be.

Sunday, September 20, 2009


Something very interesting happened last night, and the only reason I'm writing about it now is because I know that it had to come directly from God. Lately I've felt like I'm in the wilderness and I'm desperate to get out.

I was watching Joyce Meyers which I don't normally do, I'm more a Sherri Rose and Beth Moore kind of person. But the first part of what Joyce was preaching on was about what we've been thinking lately. Then she started talking about the wilderness. Did you know that the journey the Israelite took was only supposed to take eleven days! yet they wondered around in the desert for forty years. Because they constantly complained. Then joyce said something I hadnt thought of: Your attitude in the wilderness will determine how long you stay in the wilderness. If you complain you will remain if you praise he will raise you out of it.

It's just that simple. We are in control of how we react to different situations. We are in control of how we think about different situations.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009


One of my best and truely SOUL'd out friends in christ, Vee Vee, has gotten into the habbit of texting me something inspiring everymorning and today i feel lead to share with you what he sent to me.

The true sign of intelligence is not knowledge, but imagination! God has given us so many gifts.. use them for his Glory. Arrogance leads to failure.

I want to share this amazing experience God gave me last night and really all day yesterday.
I had a panic attack over things once again that I can't control. My teacher J. Ware said something to me yesterday that really hit me and really stuck. She said fortunatly for us we serve a God who can and will carry all our burden's for us. It took a stranger to remind me that he is God and I am not. Oh how amazing that feels to say how liberating it is to say. He is God and I am not.

She also told me that when she was in high school and college she always prayed for her pencil and it calmed her. I thought it was silly and I laughed at her a little. Then today I had my first test in U.S. History Since 1865, and before i started my test I prayed this silly little prayer, " Lord calm my nerves help me to remember what i've learned and a please point my pencil in the right direction. My hand couldn't move fast enough to keep up with the overwhelming knowlegde that seemed to becoming directly out of my pencil.

yall know that I'm terrified of never getting married and at my age it shouldn't really be an issue well last night the almighty sent me an anything but silent message. At my bible study the speaker said we are married to the maker. How amazing was that feeling to me. I am married to the master of the universe. His love for me is so great that he made sure I got to that bible study and heard the speaker say: He will allure us into the wilderness so that we may fall in love with him and he will marry us once and for all our lives. Some of you are probably freaking out right now but it was and is the most incredible feeling I have every felt.

And I will sow her for Myself anew in the land, and I will have love, pity, and mercy for her who had not obtained love, pity, and mercy; and I will say to those who were not My people, You are My people, and they shall say, You are my God! Hosea 2: 23

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Running low

It's one of those days when everything goes wrong.... First i overslept because I was up reading a wonderful book by Francine Rivers. I'm completely in love with everything she writes so thank you aunt debbie for adding more to my reading list.

The work load of this college student has just doubled up a little bit and I'm running low on a lot of things money, time, and faith.

I bought my first Barlowgirl CD yesterday and I was amazed at how much better I felt after I listened to it but it didn't do that for me today. I need more. I didnt have my quiet time today which is not a good thing. My days drag on and on when i dont have one and like most days when I don't start it with my father it has been awful. I need his reassurace and I'm just not TRUSTING him enough to do it. I'm only nineteen and I swear for the last week i've been having hot flashes. I feel a panic attack coming on but i fighting tooth and nail mostly because it's embarrassing and I have enough to worry about other than having a literally body breakdown of epic proportions.

I need a little more faith. I know somebody reading this knows what i'm talking about.
Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord you God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. (Isaiah 43:1-3)

Here's hoping that somebody needs this as much as i do!

Sunday, September 13, 2009


I feel lead today to write on healing. Over the last few days I've taken stock of my own heartaches and heartbreaks. This week in particular has been a challenge for me.
I don't know if I've said this before, but if I have I'm saying it again. When I graduated highschool this internal alarm went off and it said it's time to find a husband your getting old. Which I now see as ridiculous but at the time it seemed extremely important.
Over the last few weeks it seems like everybody I know has gotten an engagement ring. Which I was thrilled for them don't get me wrong,but at the same time it broke my heart. Which in turn made me feel extremely guilty. I've shared this with my circle many times over the last few weeks but it didn't make me feel any better about it.

This past Thursday was in alot of ways the straw that broke the camel's back, it's the only visual i can come up with at this moment. I had lunch with one of my dearest and she revealed to me that she knew the ring she was getting. I put on a smile and listened as she went on about every detail, and on the inside I was torn into pieces. The moment I had pulled myself back together just in time to go to my next class, I had just enough time to sit down and say I swear if one more person gets engaged I do believe I will lose it. You all know just how humorous our God is, and the moment I said that I should've known that he would show me.

Three minutes later another dear friend came and sat down and shoved her hand in my face. I felt like I had been shot with a .38. She told me the whole story and I smiled and put on the most elaborate mask of my life. meanwhile one of my ex's text me and wanted to know what I was doing and I had no problem telling him that i was looking at yet another ring on another friends finger. he thought it was funny, i did not. He then sent the words that put me over the edge: you still think your the marrying kind. ......... I got so upset my nose started bleeding. All feeling had literally left my body. I cried the entire way home.

As is my pattern my circle were the first people to attempt to console me. It's not that I'm jealous or mad that they have seemingly found happiness already. As a woman of God, and living the life I'm living and following God's instructions I couldn't help but think where's mine?

I'm using this verse to help heal the open wound. Maybe it will do some good for one of you too.

Psalms 147:3; He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.


Wednesday, September 9, 2009


I want you all to know that I am doing an amazing bible study at my church called One in a Million. Last night God was speaking directly to me.

I was tired of being tested and feeling like I failed in someway. Situations that I thought I was done with, relationships I thought were over seemed to all at once be coming to the front line right in front of my face. I couldn't help but think I did not sign on for this. Amazingly that is what the bible study was on last night. It's a Priscilla Shirer, and she said those exact words God this is not what I signed on for. What spoke to me was that we are all in either one of three places we are about to go into the wilderness, we are in the wilderness, or we are just coming out of the wilderness. Which is so true.
The same God that helped me yesterday, can and will help me today. I needed to hear that and I hope somebody else needed to hear that to. We are all in the wilderness of life. God intends for us to be in the wilderness. you wanna know why now right. When we are faced with what seems to be impossible situations and if God doesn't do something we are going to be in a mess then we have no choice but to simply say God please take this I can't do it.
And in reality he wants us to do just that. Hand him every little thing that we need and I promise he will give you what you need. What if? Shouldn't even be in our vocabulary. But it is.

I needed to hear that. I have been literally scared and afraid for about two weeks now and I was at the point where I was just going to give in. Yet through his tender love he showed me that I'm still here. I have not handed you more than you can handle. Do what I told you to do and I will take care of the rest.

But he told me: "My kindness is all you need. My power is strongest when you are weak." So I will brag even more about my weaknesses in order that Christ's power will live in me. Therefore, I accept weakness, mistreatment, hardship, persecution, and difficulties suffered for Christ. It's clear that when I'm weak, I'm strong. (2 Corinthians 12.-9-10)

Tuesday, September 8, 2009


I learned a long time ago that fear and faith can't go exist and that sometimes you have to literally swallow fear and take a step forward in faith.

As you can probably already tell faith is going to be the topic of conversation today.

When I called, you answered me; you made me bold and stouthearted. Psalm 138:3

Eventhough I know that God is faithful and will never leave me it still renders me speechless that he is so faithful to me when I'm not always faithful to him. I think that most of you will be able to relate to what I'm saying. I've been more fearful and therefore faithless in the last two weeks than I have been for most of my life. Things got rocky as they often do in life and the mess got bigger and just when I thought I'd forgotten something God showed me well no your still holding on to it just a little bit. I'm shaking now writing this.

In moments of weakness the man downstairs take advantage and if you let him he will take over. i've done some absolutly horrible things when I was scared. This is the one time that I can truthfully say that I didn't look for the fastest way out. I actually searched scripture and let God show me what to do. I did at times get discouraged and dismayed but I'm still standing on the promises of God. I want you to remember that as you go through the day and life well life happens and place that verse in your mind that he will answer you. I find it so comforting to know that no matter what else falls apart my God will never leave me to fight my battles alone.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

In case any of you were wondering why I haven't posted since thursday, let me help you. Friday morning I had wisdom teeth removed and now look like a chipmunk. I am thankful that God saw fit to be merciful with me and did not allow me to be in a tremendous amount of pain. at least not physically.

I want to talk about bondage today, and let me clarify this by stating that I mean spiritual bondage not physical bondage. As I wrote a couple of days ago, I've been struggling with a conflict that I thought I'd handed over to God. Through his wisdom he showed me that maybe he wasn't done with that situation.

In the last couple of weeks I don't mind sharing that I have become very aware of when and how God is moving and bringing things to me. In his own way he's shown me that there are a few things that I haven't completely dealt with and therefore however insignificant they may seem they still inhibit my growth with my Father. If I allow it to it can and will destroy me inside and out. Through the unfailing love of my king and eternal savior I have come to know the steps I need to take in order to grow with him, and be free.

Daniel 6:27; He sets people free and saves them. He does miraculous signs and wonders. He does them in the heavens and on the earth. He has saved david from the power of the lions."

I can not believe the overwhelming feeling the God has filled me with and the knowledge that he truely has everything under control.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Rebuilding and Healing

This is not exactly what I intended to post today and yet somehow God has shown me that I will fix your relationships but in my time not yours.

How many of us have said ok Lord if it's not your will to fix this, then please show me how to let it go.. can't be just me... and how many of us have gone a few months and then finally we hand it to him and we're so relieved and feel so much better and all is right with the world..... then he hands is back.

I've never handed him anything and had him hand it back to me. Until yesterday. I'm not going pretend that my initail reaction wasn't a horrible one. The gut reaction I recieved was one of feeling sick. I couldn't understand why he had handed it back to me. Then today I was despirately searching for a verse in the bible on confilcts with brothers in christ and thanks to the wonderful Cheryl I found my answer in Matthew 18:15-16:If your brother sins against you,[a] go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.

Sometimes we have to help ourselves by following God's words exactly and then only then will he deliever what we ask.

In the moment of panic I thought my father had forgotten me and was somehow punishing me. Yet I have learned that he was only showing his child in his mercyfull and loving way that I skipped a step and you can't hand it to me until you do exactly what I've told you to do.

The moral of the story is read your directions nad you can't go wrong especially when it's the direct word of God.

Monday, August 31, 2009

Speeding up

We've all had those days.. you know the ones where your running late and things just dont go smoothly... everything goes wrong..

In the mist of this I have to wonder where is my God?

I ask myself that question at least a hundred times a day. As silly as it seems it's still a revelant question.
We sometimes forget that he works things out in his time phase not our own.

Eventhough my morning didn't go exactly as I wanted it to, I have a circle that is forever spinning around me. I passed aunt debbie at the red light this morning and called her immediatlely. She knew that my day was running slower than usual and reminded me that if I was flying and got a speeding ticket it wasn't going to make my day any better. She always knows just what to say to calm me.

Then my Joy came to the rescue like the spirtual woman of faith that she is. She let me vent and get my frustration out. She of course asked about the blog and the book. Which immediately floored me bcause I had not asked Daddy what the blog was going to be about today.

Somewhere in the middle of posting this the entire outlook of this blog changed. I started out talking about timing and ended up talking about people. God has blessed me so abundantly with the people he has brought into my life. It's amazing that they all still have their own hair and don't need a dye job every two weeks.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10; Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work; If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!
I have an entire circle of people who love me unconditionally and I don't deserve any of them but for some reason God has seen fit to send them to me. I am amazed at the love he outpours onto me everyday, even when I don't realize it.

For today I want yall to really think about the people who really mean alot to you and remind them of that.


Friday, August 28, 2009


Yall all know that I'm in college, and the work load that implies by it's self.
For service learning I am going to Aunt debbie's room and helping with her math lesson and even doing a few spelling tests.

Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. Philippians 2:1-4

I thought that I would dread going to a classroom with twenty something second graders all in an uproar because I have disrupted their "normal" routine. Yet after the first five minutes I knew all their names and was completely in love with them. I completely lost track of time and before I knew it it was time for them to go to lunch and time for me to go home.

I find myself in a wierd spot now. I thin I oculd do this everyday yet I don't know what God thinks of it. I love helping these kids and I don't konw what I'm going to do. Please pray that I figure out what to do.


Thursday, August 27, 2009


Apparently there is something in the water. Everywhere I turn someone else is getting married, or expecting a child and not necessarily in that order. I realize that as a christian I a designed and determined to wait for God's best for me.

At the same time though it's hard to remind yourself of that ultimate gift when everything around you is screaming where is mine. It becomes exhausting trying to put on a brave front when inside your screaming. I had to make like four phone calls and countless face to face breakdowns just to re-adjust myself to be comfortable with knowing that ultimatley it's going to all work out in the end.

I have to wonder though how did I so quickly forget that Daddy(that's what I call God so bear with me) was still in control and he still has the best waiting for his princess.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18;Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by dayFor our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

How quickly I had lost heart and how ready I was to just marry the first guy that asked and not only that just stop writing on this blog. All because the delights of my heart were not being answered when i wanted them too, and i'd offened people with this blog.

I wanted today more than anything for God to show me that there was still some hope. And my Dear Friend Amanda Ely was there as a beacon of light this morning to show me God throughly equips and is still in control. She too is a single college girl and Jesus dwells within her. It's not even a question I have to ask. I am thankful today that he surrounded me with women like Amanda and Joy who are such godly women and they listen to me vent and reassure and are ready with scriputre on the mind, and encourge when all hope seems lost.

My circle seems to be expanding and I love him for that. His love is new in me everyday and still suprises me. I could write a hundred lines more but I need to do lots of homework.

The thought for today:We know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28

I will rest in the knowledge that Daddy is in control and I am on the waiting list!


Tuesday, August 25, 2009

The right stuff

As you can all tell I did not post yesterday. God threw me a curve ball and in my arrogance I doubted him. My dearest family memeber has just discovered that she is pregnant and we're only nineteen.

That wasn't what upset me ironically when it should've. I let myself for a moment panic.
On no everybody around me is pregnant and married. Maybe I just need to buy a tombstone and label it spinster now. I know a little dramatic but that's me.

Psalms 37:4 ; Delight yourself in the lord and he shall give you the desires of your heart.

I'm laughing now at how silly I was. Running around crying where is mine where is mine?
He has taken care of me for nineteen years why would he desert me now.

Today I'm going to talk about attitude. I have one you have one we all have one. But what we forget is that sometimes we are the only bibles' some people will ever read. So we have to show that Jesus dwells inside us at all times. Even when we're running late and kids are moving slower than we need them too. Or your almost finished with a paper and the electricity goes out before you can save( which has happened before) and then the words and actions you exhibt are not the ones you would if Jesus was in the room.
I have to remind myself all the time that i am not the general manager of the Universe and somethings are just out of my control. Yet when I give it to the one who is in control everything just falls into place. It never ceases to amaze me that he has absolutly everything under control and knows what the next step in my life is before I'm even near it.

The thought I'm leaving you with today is a verse that is taped on my bathroom mirror:
For Peace of mind resign as general manager of the universe.
Psalms 46:10; Cease striving and know that I am God.


Sunday, August 23, 2009

Letting Go

This morning I had resigned myself to the assumption that I did't have anything to write about. Yet again God revealed to me that he would equip me to do his work, and he would finish what he started in me.

It's so hard to move forward isnt it? We all carry our sins with us. (Myself included) We cannot follow Jesus entirely if we are literally driving in reverse. What I mean by that is we hold on to our sin and often by doing that we are telling God that we are not worthy and our sin is our own. We are so busy looking back at our past mistakes that we hit something head on. As christains we dwell on the things that we've done wrong instead of looking forward at the work God could be doing right now. I'm as guilty of this as anybody is. I often sit and think God I've done so much wrong you couldn't possibly use me now. As gently as father can say, I don't know what your talking about.

Isaiah 43:18-19 says,; "Forget the former things, do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not percieve it? I am mkng a way i the desert and streams in the wasteland."
Our God is so mercifull that the moment we confess our sins it's gone. He doesn't hold it over our heads. We place ourselves in bondage when we hold sin to ourselves.

Part of Following Jesus is letting go of our sin. Please pray that I can remember this myself.

I love you,

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Forgiveness isn't a power.

Contrary to what you may think. There are times when things aren't going to work out. There will be times when it's hard and it hurts in places you didn't know you had. I'm not talking about boys.(for once) I'm talking about women.

Some of my biggest and most painful heartbreaks have been not from men but women that at one point in time or another I was so close to that my inner most private thoughts and fears were shared with. These wounds have lasted longer than a one any man ever infilicted upon me.

This is probably the only time that I won't give you a real life situation to go along with the point I'm making. Only because this cuts a little deeper and hurts me a little more than it should. I'm sure it will stirke a cord with some of you to.

Girls talk to girl it's a universal rule. We've been gabbing with one another since birth. We also are vicious and just down right mean to one another. Then when the feud is over we keep the fire going by outright refusing to forgive. We levarage forgiveness a weapon and use it to get what we desire and only when we seek to gain more than we already have.

What if Jesus was that way with us. What if he decided that everytime we sinned he would hold out on his forgiveness after we'd come before him and admitted the sin. How would you like it if our father decided that we were not worthy of his forgiveness and didn't give it to us until he'd gotten what he wanted. Doesn't sound really appealing does it?

Ephesians 4:32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

As women we do this, and I'm guilty of it just as we are most certainly are. It's so much easier to just say I'm sorry than it is to ask do you forgive me. It's much harder to forgive ourselves than to forgive someone else. Remember that the next time you fight with someone.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Ye of little faith let me show you how God moves the Mountains

Yesterday when I first wrote on this blog i must admit I was shaking just as I am now. Thought that I believed %100 what I'd wrote. however through God's amazingness he showed me that I didn't completely trust in him entirely to give me the desires of my heart. So yesterday afternoon he restored me entirely and now I have given him every need that I have.

Before I begin the story of my wonderful divine appointment let me give you the bible part that goes along with it. Matthew 6:25-33; Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment? Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they? Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature? And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin: And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith? Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

On the way home from school while I was battling with myself for having the nerve to tell you all something that I was struggling with myself. I was so preoccupied that I didn't pay attention to the gas hand which had trickled on down to below E, and the moment i noticed the car came to an abrupt stop. I put my head on the sterring wheel and said this is just what i need Lord. To run out of gas when I might have $0.50 in my wallet, why did you let me run out of gas. Now in case yall don't remember we live in Georgia and during the months of June- October the humidity is such that you can literally wring the water out of your hair, and the heat index is about 103 degrees, so I was not a happy camper. In the mist of my frustration I prayed silently God you are bringing me some gas or I will sit here until somebody comes for me. I sat there for about 15 minutes and about 20 cars rode by and nobody stopped. When I was just about to start sweating like a pig a green truck pulled up beside me and rolled down the window.(thankyou god) He asked if I was ok as most men would and a little embarassed I stated that I had run out of gas, chuckling he said I can take you to get some gas. Even more embarassed I stated, Well that would be great except I have literally no money. Still smiling he said I can get you some gas that's not a problem either. Since I had literally never laid eyes on this man before in my life I was a litte hesitant, and I just simply stated that I appreciated it but I couldn't let him do that. He looked at me and said where I live we dont leave pretty girls on the side of the road, we can do this one of two ways you can come with me and get some gas or I can sit here with you until somebody comes and gets you and I see that your safe. Needless to say I went with him to get some gas but being a smart girl I text my preachers wife to let her know where I was, who I was with, and what had happened. Just in case this very sweet man decided to ax murder me.( it wasnt funny at the time but it is now) Without missing a beat he looked over to me and said you don't have to worry I'm not going to hurt you. And i believed him everybit. He told his name was Mark*, and he drove to several stores to find a gas tank, filled the gas tanks, made me sit in his car while he put the gas into my car then proceeded to give me additional money so that when I got home I could put more fuel in the car. He shook my hand and I thanked him many times over and he said it was a pleasure to meet you eventhough i'd rather it been undermore pleasant circumstances. (yall know I gave him my phone number so theres no need to write it)

I am still in utter amazement of just how kind this complete stranger was to me. I'd asked God to provide for me and he overwhelmed me and overexceeded my expectations. And in the process showed me that there are still Godly men and I have the one for you. I have not forgotten about the desires of you heart I put them there. And it gave me something else to write about today.

My faith was so little that God sent a precious gift to remind me of the big picture. If I hadnt run out of gas, had my normal crisis callers not been busy, then I wouldn't have had to just say you provide it for me Lord. I'm humbled in a way that I've never been before. For a fleeting moment I forgot He knows me inside and out, which only gave him the compassion to gently remind his daughter. Proverbs 3:5; Trust in the lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understandings in all your way acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight.

Must go now I'm getting teary eyed.

Never forget the you are priceless to our father King Jesus.


Thursday, August 20, 2009

Timing is everything

Psalms 37:7 Delight yourself in the lord and wait for his perfect timing.

Yes we've all been there. We wait for the perfect guy to ask us on a perfect date and then when he doesn't we say yes to the first thing male that moves. I'm speaking from personal experience girls been there, done that, got the tee-shirt and sent it back because it didnt' fit.

What we seem to forget,myself included, is that God has made the perfect man for each of us. I'm talking on day 7 when he rested from creating the beautiful world that we live in he shapped each of our spouses. I'm not dawging you out if you think and have PRAYED about the man you are currently with and you believe that is the one God made for you. What I am stating very inarticulately is that there is a definitave difference between something that's good and the best that God intends.

Are you with me so far?

I know that we are all in a rush to find a man keep a man and marry a man. It's been programmed in us since day one. But girls let's be honest would you rather have a steak or a hamburger? I know yall are thinking why is she talking about food, I thought we were talking about men. In this scenero a steak would be God's best the one that he created for you, and a hamburger would be not necesarily a bad man in fact he would probably be could probably the best you've ever had. (Stay with me here) The good is going to have BIG NEON SIGNS this is comfortable and I really like him. Your going to be so distracted by the good that you will miss the best.

How do you know if it is the best. First things first we all have to get on the same page. From now on I want you to pray fervently( which means without ceasing) for your future husbands. I also want you to pray that God will show you not the desires of your own heart, but HIS desires for your heart. If you ask he shall give it to you, most assuridly that is a promise from our father in Psalms 37:4.(look up that verse)

Ladies I'm going to let you ponder on what I've just joyfully unloaded on you, mostly because I have to go back to class.

Let me leave you with a final thought. If you forget everything else never forget just how priceless you are to your father King Jesus.


Yes this is one of those blogs. Yet another christian blog. However don't write me off so easily. I'm not your typical christian girl. I wasn't rasied in the church and have stumbled alot, and even fallen flat on my face a few times if the truth be known. I'm 19, single and obviously christian. But I'm not the type that tiptoes around feeling and I don't say things the way most people do. I tell it like it is and over however long the lord let's me do this you'll see that. If you don't like what you read tell me and if you do like what you read tell me.