Wednesday, December 30, 2009


Ok so... never in my life did i think i'd be in the middle of the sweetest time in my walk with God, at a point in my life when I a questioning everything about my identity.

Yet it's a big deal to be in the position that i'm in... i feel very.. idont even know the word for it.

It's agreat thing to be on the giving end of a friendship.. to be the one who is for once the one who is listening instead of talking all the time. even when that talking has to do with comforting someone else. when crying is a release to the father for the anguish of someone else.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

I'm so neglectful

I've been running so much lately that I haven't posted like I should and like I've wanted to.

So much has been going on lately that it all seems to run together. For instance I have 23 days left in my bet with Kdasher and I am winning and have no intentions of losing. which means she and I will be shopping after christmas which she doesnt like to do but then again I dont like not talking to boys either.

Yes I actually haven't talked to a boy in well it's been so long I can't remember and believe it or not things are alot less chaotic without the added drama that the men i seem to attract often bring to the table.

I'm in a position with my walk that I love. Actually this week my kids Got to pie me as you can see with the pics. they learned their scriptures and I had to reward them but lesson learned that will never happen again. I will never underestimate the power of bribary when it comes to young girls.
It was well worth it!

Friday, December 11, 2009


With the help of my "hurricane mom" I realized something today. Life isn't fair. Don't sit there and go duh.. I'm serious. I never realized how complicated that statement was until today.

We were having on of our usual conversations you know the kind that starts out casual and then ends up with one preaching to the other. just your A typical conversation between christain women. When she said you know the more time you spend analyzing and watching the things in life that you want that dont have pretty soon that's all your doing. Which is absolutly correct. I've always wanted a relationship that I will never have, the close knit relationship with my mom. And no amount of me analyzing and comparing, and just down right complaining is ever going to change that.

However, I feel very humbled right now. Not only did God send me one mom he sent me ten. What started out as five has slowly grown to ten. Some closer than others actually 5 closer than the rest. What i needed he supplied plus ten times more than I could have ever expected and he brought them in at the exact moments i needed them . Whether they realize it or not they have played tremendous roles in the craziness that is my life. And while there have been rocky points. Somehow things seems to develop better and deeper after a storm usually of my causing.

I realized something else today. that was not so thrilling. I have absolutly no idea who I am..... that's a bad place to be on the walk with God. that's a bad place to be period. As loud and opinionated as I am you'd think I know the answer to that but 'I really have no idea and that scares me. My mini-nervous breakdown yesterday brought somethings to my attention that I'd rather have left where they were. After all I've been through, and everything I've learned have I really pushed me away so long that I can't retrieve it? That can't be possible. I'm so confused right now and I'm not sure what to do.......

Thursday, December 10, 2009

FInally done or so I thought

My last day of class was today with the completion of my last final... I should probably be relieved but I'm not. When one area of my life seems to fall into place another one falls perfectly to pieces. Hundreds and hundreds of pieces..

I haven't mentioned this yet but I recently got a car which is a huge thing since I haven't had one of my own since my senior year of high school.

My sister's babysitter broke her hip Friday night so therefore we no longer have one. Guess who the new one is..... ME. I'm so agitated and aggravated that i'm to the point of losing my cool. I have things that I have to do during the week and you can't really do anything with a two year old strapped to your hip. I made arrangements everyday this week so that I could go take my finals. I thought that by Friday my mother would have something worked out so that I could go to my volunteer project tomorrow. No such luck.

I may sound selfish but I have literally no patience left and usually I'm very well adjusted to watching zoey but this week with finals and everything else going on I want some whine down time. I need a day of absolutely nothing to do and nobody calling my name. But that will never happen. I haven't been the far at the end of my rope in along time.

I am so tired. Tired and worn out. I think if I let myself I would sleep for days.
but even then I'm sure that somebody would call my name. I hear people calling my name in my sleep.

When I reach the end of my rope the only thing left to do is grab the hem of his garment.

Please pray that I dont completely lose it...