Friday, January 29, 2010


Just when I thought I was done with an area God shows me that I'm not even close to being done with it.

I can't believe that I allowed myself to think that I was.

Words hurt. Whether they were meant to be said or not, and areas that I thought no longer affected me, are still verymuch fresh. The hurt is still present. The pain is fresh again. I never thought it would affect me like this.

Your all very aware by now that I've had a series of not so successful relationships. Each ending in a different catastrophy from the other. And each one does something different to my self image. I've had to deal with never being enough from just about everyman in existence. Why did i think that once I took men out of the equation for a little while that things would be different?

experience should've taught me better. Better question how does a guy go from I can't be in a relationship with someone one right now because im not even sure if I know how to love somebody. and less than a week later they are publically proclaiming their undying love for someone they might have known for 48 hours. Explain how that works to me.Lord I never thought I'd say that I was still a little heart broken but truth is i'm not im completely heart broken.

Over lunch today my friend Molly told me that I always seemed so confidant to her.I found myself completely caucht off guard, because I am anythign but confidant. I am probably one of the most selfconscience, self value is at like -10, people you will ever meet. But goes to show I do put on a joyful Christ like appearance to keep from just falling to pieces all the time. I'm not really happy, I attempt to be joyful most of the time, and only when 'I'm completely exhausted do I ever just basically say screw it. I'm not sure of much of anything and most of the time i am ashamed of some of the things I know, becasue of the way i had to learn them. It's never a good thing to pull your own skeletons out the closet.

for the first time in a long time, I have no clue what direction to go in. and the one person I need to talk to about this is the one that will not and even if she did she wouldn't fully understand why it's that important to me.

I will rest in his knowledge. Psalms 147:3, he heals the brokenhearted and heals up their wounds.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010


1 Thessalonians 2:8; We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well, because you had become so dear to us.

I was tempted to put that scripture into first person but I believe that the word of God is perfect the way it is.

I've had alot of time to be hurt this weekend. I let a situation bother me so much that I stayed in bed on Saturday. Now the christian woman that i am shouldn't have let Satan get a strong hold but I did. I let him make the worst of it and instead of just letting it go, I let it eat at me. Tear me to pieces and then I got angry. So angry in fact that I would'nt even allow myself to sing in the choir. Which is something i enjoy doing more than you could know.

I did learn somethings though. I expect extradionary measures, when it comes to the people closest to me. and I probably should'nt but I do.

I've gottten where lately I put their prayers above my own, and that may not seem like much but it's a huge deal for me. Their hurts become mine,and I'm not complaining because I don't carry their burdens. the Word carries it for me. It's more important to me that they be ok and the only thing that I know how to do, and it's the only time that I dont feel completely and utterly overloaded.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

After the storm

I have become very aware that my father finds many ways to alert me to things that are coming. Even when they may not be obvious, they are never the less important for me to be aware of.
Sometimes things aren't goign to go the way that i plan. Things happen and life get's out of whack.

THe point of all this rambling is that in spite of everything that happens my father still wants me to continue to be what he has called me to be. I am called to display the fruit of the spirit in ever aspect of my life and even when things aren't going to unfold the way I want them to.

I have ot love.

Friday, January 22, 2010


I never understood what it meant to watch your world crumble.

Until today.

i never thought I'd see the day when I literally watched a part of my life that I had literally thrown my heart into trying to make it better. Yet it crumbled right in front of me and all i could do was stand there and watch the walls fall in on top of me.

and now all i can do is ask my God to help

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Things could get messy

Ok so in the last couple of months I have learned a massive amount of things and eventhough i'm in college most of my learning did not take place in a classroom.
It instead took place facedown on my floor.

It's amazing the power that comes from just laying whatever the problem or the burden down and saying I don't know what to do with you so take it.

Yet i still feel a tremendous amount of anxiety. I did not know that when you dont' give it to God completely the effects can be physical. For example until yesterday I had no idea that the things I thought I left at the cross still bothered me. I was physically ill. It was all I could do to walk to my car and drive home last night, and the moment my room door closed I lost it. It's one thing ot get sick at church it's another to be sick because your so guilty of things that you thought you were done with.

I seriously thought that I was over it and I had moved past it, and then all of a sudden that's all I could think about and the more I thought about it the sicker I got. I have never had that happen. But me and Jesus nailed it down last night and I decided that Jesus did not bring that to my attention he doesn't keep a tab on my sin count somebody else does, and I dont even like saying his name so I'm not going too. But I still feel a little bit greenish today but nothing my father can't take care of.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Taking a long hard look

It's the beginning of new year once again. I didn't however make a ridiculously long list of things i want accomplish this year. Instead I've decided that I would just write what I want in pencil and hand my God the eraser.

For the first time in my walk I am aware on a daily basis that my god is moving, and constantly working. Even when things seems completely hopeless and there isn't a light anywhere.

In the last few months I have literally watched scripture unfold in front of me, I feel privileged and honored to be the one who is being used. Words can not express the sheer joy is it to be the one who is listening instead of the one who is always talking. Yes shocking isn't it the I would be the one to say that I talk alot. Frankly it's a fact, and if you know me then you know it's true. I've always been a talker, and it's not always good, but i am working on that. It's a day to day struggle.

The people who make the greatest impact in my life are the ones who make me grow. they don't accept anything less than the best of me. and I love them for that. Eventhough it's hard to swallow sometimes..