Sunday, November 22, 2009


Over the last few weeks I've found myself in a strange position with one of my new well actual it's an old relationship but at the same time it's in the rebuilding stages.

Yet as time has passed as it often does. The roles that always defined our relationship have been completely destroyed and what used to be boundaries no longer exist. Almost as if the old one completely died and a new one was created.

It's almost as if I've become the giver and she the receiver. In essence I am the strong one and she has become the one who needs me to be the strong one. Its an odd feeling for me since I have never been the one who was needed. I have always been the one in need. However at this point in my walk I find it oddly refreshing that he will see fit that it was my time to equip me to help her. I do find myself inadequate. I don't feel worthy to help her and I'm not sure that I know how. I say what I think I should and what I feel lead to tell her. On the other hands I've made her more than I would ever want to in my entire life and it's only been a few weeks. I guess the point in this blog was to express my fear. I'm terrified that I will fail her in some way. Being that i am human and make many mistakes I fear that I will fall short of what she needs me to be. As she has never let me down before I can't fail her.

Fear is a funny thing. It can keep you from saying the things that need to be said, but it can also force you to overcome temptation you thought you never would. Disappointing people one in particular is what seems to be my driving force. I'm reading more than I ever have and praying more than I ever thought I would.
I find myself wanting to help a feeling I've don't think I've ever experienced to this degree. I almost feel helpless.

I can hear the utter unhappiness in her voice I see less and less of the woman I admired and remember and I can not escape the overwhelming sensation that she needs my help but I have no clue how to even begin. The fact that she is stubborn and strong willed and almost impossible to break doesn't make it any easier. The driving force has become so overwhelming that I can not fail. Even though I am afraid I refuse to stand by and twiddle my thumbs while I slowly lose my friend, whom I dearly love.

I have to keep reminding myself that God equips the called. So therefor he must have equipped me before he called me.

Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.
—Romans 12:9-10