Thursday, November 25, 2010


I'm learning quickly lately that nothing happens by accident. Nothing suprises God and nothing is ever allowed to happen without a specific purpose.

I am in the middle of a huge growing time. I'm literally watching everything I've ever known fall beautifully to pieces. ANd i am powerless to stop it. People I thought would be there forever have found one reason or another to bail out on me. Which I guess I can understand I am alot to handle.

No I don't understand. I can't understand or seem to make myself understand how adn why God would so meticulously surround me with people I love and who love me( or i thought loved me) and people who stand in the gap for me nad Ifor them could just walk away without shedding a single tear.

I want to understand. I do I want so badly to understand.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Please forgive me but i have to say it

I am breaking a commandment by even typing this but i have to say it.

I am on the verge of hating my mother. which I know sounds a little dramatic but that's how i feel. I see other mothers and the way they are with their children and i have to wonder what i ever did wrong to not deserve that from mine.

Did i cry too much as a baby, was I not what she thought I would be, and why in the world can i talk to everybody else and make complete sense and then I try to talk to her and at the end of my statement she says you were talking to fast I couldn't understand you. How does everybody else understand me but her. She is supposed to be the one who knows me the best and yet she seems to know me the least. How is that even possible? I was in her womb for crying out loud, and yet she doesnt seem to know me at all.

Just like today prime example. She couldnt' tell that I am spiritually and morally torn to pieces over some elicit text messages between myself and a male friend of mine. And she hasn't said one word, and doesnt seem to notice anything. and yet the moment i say hello to someone else the first question i was asked was what's wrong, is something going on you sound funny. And i'm the world's worst at hidding my emotions or even attempting to camoflague them it's always written all over my face.

Am i missing something here? If i'm being just a tad bit whiney somebody tell me.

Monday, April 19, 2010

After affects

It's amazing what happens after a loved one is gone. People's true colors emerge. The ones you thought were infallable fall flat on their faces against unrealistic expectations. and the people you were very aware were flawed show you just how messed up they are.

The strangest thing happens when families are forced to get on with their lives after the glue that held everybody together is no longer there to hold everybody together.

My mama was a flawed human being to say the least she didn't always do everything right,but she also didn't do everything wrong.

She had more compassion in one finger than most people have in their entire bodies.

She was the one i went to when things were rough. she knew more about me than i ever thought humanly possible. ANd i never had to utter a single word to her.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Waking up

As most of you have proabably heard by now. My sainted Mama Tommie Lee joined her master March 20.

There are still alot of questions that I needed answered but I know that my Daddy is in control. I had the privelage of being with her the Wednesday night before she passed. Now at the time I didnot consider it a blessing. I found myself behaving very much like a mom everytime she moved or stirred I was up and alert. I couldn't shake the feeling that the moment I fell asleep she would go to be with the lord.

It was probably the strangest thing I'd ever seen. She couldn't get comfortable and I learned that there are fates that are worse than death. It shook me in ways I hadn't even dared to imagine. During that long night I had my bible with me, I'd intended to let my God hold my hand and instead he chose to use me. I read my bible to her and sang her some hyms.
I wish I'd taken my camera. The word of God literally medicated her, it made her clamer it was like watching the best medicine in the world take it's affect.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Ok so college life isn't exactly one that leaves ample amounts of time to do things like post the blog that you love to write.

I'm a horrible blogger I know. However in my defense things have unraveled in a way taht I never thought possible in the last couple of weeks.

I am excited to say that some of my writing was selected to be printed in the school magazine. I made a 90 on my British Literature midterm, and as far as I know all my grades are A's. So Go me..

Tuesday, February 23, 2010


I learned a very valuable lesson today.... I am a horrible person.

I never in a million years thought that I would be back where I started. I hurt somebody today without even realzing it until it was pointed out. THe conversation lasted 47 seconds, it took 47 seconds for my world to come crashing down around me.

I can apologize till im blue in the face and that doesnt change anything. I love this person dearly, I pray for her more than I pray for myself. And yet I let my hurt feelings get in the way,and instead of clearing things up before they got ugly It just got bigger and bigger with the casualties at two first her then me. It's all the strength I can must to get this out now, so that the other 23 people in the room dont see my ghost white face stained by the tears that are steadily trickling down my face. I can not believe that after all I learned i feel liike I'm back at the starting line.

What have I really learned if I let my emotions get in the way. there is no excuse for it and no reason for it either. I have hurt someone and I swore never again would I intentionally hurt somebody but apparently i did today without even realizing it. how selfish is that How do you hurt somebody and not even realize it until they point it out in a tearful less than a minute conversation.

Lamentations 3:22-24

The unfailing love of the LORD never ends! By his mercies we have been kept from complete destruction. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each day. I say to myself, "The LORD is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010


I know I'm a horrible blogger. It's been forever since i've posted.

I had the greatest experience at bible study last night. The wonderful Kay Authur spoke specifically to me last night. Over the last 6 weeks I have done things with my God that I thought I would never do. I let go of my demons, and allowed some healing to begin.

Last night I cried the whole time. Kay's soft words came off the screen and spoke directly to me. " If you will stop whinning and let God work he will use your sin to help someone else, he will use you and reddem you." Aunt Debbie was sitting behind me and not beside me for once, and the moment those words hit her ears she was poking me with a pen. Only for me to turn around and say I heard her.

She was speaking to me, and even if I'm the only one who got something as significant as what I got. I got more last night from Kay then I'd gotten in the last six weeks from Percilla and Beth Moore.

In the last couple of weeks I have learned more about the strong holds I had layed out for myself. The smallest things make the greatest difference. Letting things go and saying what hasn't been said for so long is the most freeing experience I have ever had.

Matthew 5:44-45
But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous

Friday, January 29, 2010


Just when I thought I was done with an area God shows me that I'm not even close to being done with it.

I can't believe that I allowed myself to think that I was.

Words hurt. Whether they were meant to be said or not, and areas that I thought no longer affected me, are still verymuch fresh. The hurt is still present. The pain is fresh again. I never thought it would affect me like this.

Your all very aware by now that I've had a series of not so successful relationships. Each ending in a different catastrophy from the other. And each one does something different to my self image. I've had to deal with never being enough from just about everyman in existence. Why did i think that once I took men out of the equation for a little while that things would be different?

experience should've taught me better. Better question how does a guy go from I can't be in a relationship with someone one right now because im not even sure if I know how to love somebody. and less than a week later they are publically proclaiming their undying love for someone they might have known for 48 hours. Explain how that works to me.Lord I never thought I'd say that I was still a little heart broken but truth is i'm not im completely heart broken.

Over lunch today my friend Molly told me that I always seemed so confidant to her.I found myself completely caucht off guard, because I am anythign but confidant. I am probably one of the most selfconscience, self value is at like -10, people you will ever meet. But goes to show I do put on a joyful Christ like appearance to keep from just falling to pieces all the time. I'm not really happy, I attempt to be joyful most of the time, and only when 'I'm completely exhausted do I ever just basically say screw it. I'm not sure of much of anything and most of the time i am ashamed of some of the things I know, becasue of the way i had to learn them. It's never a good thing to pull your own skeletons out the closet.

for the first time in a long time, I have no clue what direction to go in. and the one person I need to talk to about this is the one that will not and even if she did she wouldn't fully understand why it's that important to me.

I will rest in his knowledge. Psalms 147:3, he heals the brokenhearted and heals up their wounds.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010


1 Thessalonians 2:8; We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well, because you had become so dear to us.

I was tempted to put that scripture into first person but I believe that the word of God is perfect the way it is.

I've had alot of time to be hurt this weekend. I let a situation bother me so much that I stayed in bed on Saturday. Now the christian woman that i am shouldn't have let Satan get a strong hold but I did. I let him make the worst of it and instead of just letting it go, I let it eat at me. Tear me to pieces and then I got angry. So angry in fact that I would'nt even allow myself to sing in the choir. Which is something i enjoy doing more than you could know.

I did learn somethings though. I expect extradionary measures, when it comes to the people closest to me. and I probably should'nt but I do.

I've gottten where lately I put their prayers above my own, and that may not seem like much but it's a huge deal for me. Their hurts become mine,and I'm not complaining because I don't carry their burdens. the Word carries it for me. It's more important to me that they be ok and the only thing that I know how to do, and it's the only time that I dont feel completely and utterly overloaded.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

After the storm

I have become very aware that my father finds many ways to alert me to things that are coming. Even when they may not be obvious, they are never the less important for me to be aware of.
Sometimes things aren't goign to go the way that i plan. Things happen and life get's out of whack.

THe point of all this rambling is that in spite of everything that happens my father still wants me to continue to be what he has called me to be. I am called to display the fruit of the spirit in ever aspect of my life and even when things aren't going to unfold the way I want them to.

I have ot love.

Friday, January 22, 2010


I never understood what it meant to watch your world crumble.

Until today.

i never thought I'd see the day when I literally watched a part of my life that I had literally thrown my heart into trying to make it better. Yet it crumbled right in front of me and all i could do was stand there and watch the walls fall in on top of me.

and now all i can do is ask my God to help

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Things could get messy

Ok so in the last couple of months I have learned a massive amount of things and eventhough i'm in college most of my learning did not take place in a classroom.
It instead took place facedown on my floor.

It's amazing the power that comes from just laying whatever the problem or the burden down and saying I don't know what to do with you so take it.

Yet i still feel a tremendous amount of anxiety. I did not know that when you dont' give it to God completely the effects can be physical. For example until yesterday I had no idea that the things I thought I left at the cross still bothered me. I was physically ill. It was all I could do to walk to my car and drive home last night, and the moment my room door closed I lost it. It's one thing ot get sick at church it's another to be sick because your so guilty of things that you thought you were done with.

I seriously thought that I was over it and I had moved past it, and then all of a sudden that's all I could think about and the more I thought about it the sicker I got. I have never had that happen. But me and Jesus nailed it down last night and I decided that Jesus did not bring that to my attention he doesn't keep a tab on my sin count somebody else does, and I dont even like saying his name so I'm not going too. But I still feel a little bit greenish today but nothing my father can't take care of.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Taking a long hard look

It's the beginning of new year once again. I didn't however make a ridiculously long list of things i want accomplish this year. Instead I've decided that I would just write what I want in pencil and hand my God the eraser.

For the first time in my walk I am aware on a daily basis that my god is moving, and constantly working. Even when things seems completely hopeless and there isn't a light anywhere.

In the last few months I have literally watched scripture unfold in front of me, I feel privileged and honored to be the one who is being used. Words can not express the sheer joy is it to be the one who is listening instead of the one who is always talking. Yes shocking isn't it the I would be the one to say that I talk alot. Frankly it's a fact, and if you know me then you know it's true. I've always been a talker, and it's not always good, but i am working on that. It's a day to day struggle.

The people who make the greatest impact in my life are the ones who make me grow. they don't accept anything less than the best of me. and I love them for that. Eventhough it's hard to swallow sometimes..