Monday, October 26, 2009


Proverbs 17:9 Love prospers when a fault is forgiven, but dwelling on it separates close friends.

The hardest lesson I've ever had to learn is that everybody has faults. We all make mistakes and I've made more than my fair share of mistakes. Even the best laid plans can fall to pieces, and sometimes the best of intentions fall flat.

I know I'm being all metaphorical right now but it seemed to be what I needed to write. Over the past few weeks I have been and still am amazed at just how much my God does for me on a daily basis. I dont mean just things that I'm unaware of I mean things that he specifically brought to the light for me to see.

Relationships begining to heal, and doors opening that had seemingly been shut. I found out that sometimes I really do expect too much, and that can be exhausting. As your all very aware I have a circle of women that keep me in check in more ways then one.
Though each one is different they all play vital roles in my life. and eventhough right now I have a blank spot that is still under construction for the first time in a long time, I don't feel an ache. and that comes as a relief. Yes things do bother me and i often let the to-do list of the overwhelm me sometimes but other than that I have more to be thankful for than I have to complain about and that is the greatest feeling in the world.

a strange thing happens when your forced to find the answers for yourself and for the first time some of the people you knew would always be there, are too hurt by you to open up to be hurt again. Yet during this time I did a tremendous amount of growing up. I had to come face to face with my fatal fault, and make an ironclad decison that it would no longer be a part of me, and I will admit it's not the easiest thing to do but it had to be done. It was the scariest thing I've ever done in my life to this point, and it showed me who was important and who wasn't. Finally finding the stregnth to admit to myself that it was time to stop. Strange the faults you will uncover when somebody you love, and loves you withold that very thing from you. Self examination was what I needed, and I guess this is my way of thanking you.

I didn't use names in this one because if your reading this and you know it's about you then why would I need your name? Love covers a multitude of sin. Even when I don't deserve it....

Saturday, October 24, 2009


There are parts and key events in my Christian walk that are so significant that they have to be documented and this is one of those.

Yesterday my mother had an MRI done, and I was the one to drive her there. Had several test messages just to tell me that they were praying for her. One person was of particular interest to me. I called her and as almight would have shifted our days we were relatively close to one another.

I suggested she come eat lunch with us and she did. Me, my mother, and KD what an adventure that was. I was so nervous it was absurd. I don't even know what I was nervous about. I guess it has something to do with the fact that we are all given a handful of really truely wonderful friends and for a while I'd lost one of mine. We parted after lunch and I thought that would be it.
How silly of me to think that even for a fleeting moment I knew what was on the table at that point with God. ... Go from Hobby lobby, which happens to be my mothers favorite store, and run a list over to KD. Back to hobby lobby, and then back to Goodwill.

I'd prayed for a good little while that God, if he saw fit, would give me sometime to just be nineteen, and not let the endless to-do list overtake it. I got that opportunity yesterday, and as God arranged it I was with KD. Goodwill shopping with someone your attempting to re-build bridges with is a must. I could not actually believe that was the environment the almighty had arranged to open doors again. It also meant that we were in a neutral environment to talk about things without losing our composure, well at least in part.

I still find it amazing that God would allow that to be restored and evenmore that KD could still be willing to allow that to happen. The blame in the entire ordeal is my entirely my own. I still think that its a miracle. I'm still singing my praises and I probably will be for a long time coming. It never ceases to amaze me the wonderful power that my God posesses, and that in the midst of everything else when I'm faithful so is he. The secret prayer of my heart is being fulfilled right before my eyes, and I'm still standing in aww of it.

Now the healing begins and my God will make sure that we both are whole again. Regardless of hurt feelings, harsh words, and just plain wrong doing(mine) I pray that it will all be absolved. The one shot dot has given me unbelievably a third. Never could I have ever imagined that would be possible. Yet it is, and that is a miracle.

Psalms 100:5; The Lord is good, his mercy is everlasting.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009


The list of things to do today seemed to multiply almost overnight. as my mother left for Atlanta yesterday and my sister Zoey decided that she would sleep with her bef. as she can't say beth.

if you have children or small siblings then you understand the kind of sleep you get when your aware that they are in the bed. It's almost like sleeping on a plane or in a car it's not the normal sleep your accustomed to. But i went with it.

Every so often I would turn over and check her breathing, i guess that would be the mom gene, and move her out of awkward body position that i knew would result in aches and pains. Somewhere around 3 am i woke up in a state of panic i didn't see her and as soon as i threw the covers back and realized that she wasn't there i heard that familar cry that is zoey. She had literally rolled herself and her meme pillow on the floor. I scooped her up and placed her back in her spot and she was out like a light. I however, was not taking any chances and put a pillow next to her. and slowly drifted off to sleep.....

Then the wonderful world of college stepped in and decided that I hadn't been embarassed enough for one day.

And I did have a refreshing blast from the past today. which i will get into later.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Fainting flaw

Fainting seems to be my area of too much experience lately. Today I did it again. Can not believe that it happened again. Once again I end up on the floor with an entire classroom of people collectively watching my every move which makes the situation worse.

I have been told that I wasn't breathing but I seriously doubt that I stopped breathing. I remember it being difficult to breathe but other than that im kinda drawing a blank.

once again it was J.W.M. to the rescue and back to my comfortable bed which happens to be a blue mat in her office. With jackets being my pillow and blankets. Slept from about 10 something to 1 something. I felt immediately better.

Apparently I'm still moving too much or going to much or doing to much, because my body seems to be constantly telling me to stop or slow down. And when I dont comply it shuts down for me.

Its the oddest feeling in the world when I wake up it's almost like I have completely forgotten where I was. The episode today was stronger than one I've ever had it was faster and didn't give me the time to literally talk myself out of the panic before my entire body just shut off. Next thing I know I'm on the floor in somebody's lap and another person is fanning me and somebody else is calling J.W.M. to come in there. poor J she never gets to teach her classes.... lol...

Psalms 46:10: Be still and know that I am God.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

3 shot dot!

Today was just another example of how God moves and works in each of our lives everyday.

As i've posted before myself and my mother are having some health issues and I'm terribly frightened as is she.

yet in the mist of my storm once again God has chosen to show me that there is nothing he can't do for his children when they are obident.

As I've posted several times before I had a dispute with another person. and I've yet to use her name on here but today I feel like it's time to stop using "her" in place of her name, but im only putting initals. KD and i haven't exactly been having slumber parties to gush our secrets lately. I take all the blame for that entirely. I demolished that relationship right by myself didn't require any help from anyone.

It was easy at first to pour all my energy into trying to hate her and it seemed to work until I started writing this blog. And I realized that she was the first person I wanted to call. I was so excited to tell her about the work that God had been doing in me over the course of hte past 6 months. Then it occured to me that I couldn't call her and immediatley my heart was shattered instantly. But in all fairness I had no one to blame but myself as I said earlier I demolished that bridge myself.

yet I felt an ache in a place that had long been forgotten or at least had been attempted ot forget. I could no longer ignore the fact that it did matter to me if she was part of my life or not. So I bite the bullet and went to face her, well technically i cheated on that part because as she said herself i'm not the most approachable person in the world. Which is totally not true there really isnt anything that i would tell her. But never the less I sent the email and hoped for the best and I got no response.

Being the merciful and giving God that he is. He showed me that he had heard my endless prayers because the week my world crashed down on me. He decided that it was time to let me see a glimmer of hope with a light tap on my shoulder and a piece of paper no bigger than a wallet size picture lifted my mood.

And then today through circumstances that I'd rather not be in at all God gave me yet another opportunity to speak with KD and in a way it allowed us to clear the air a little more.

Believe it or not when I thought that my god had not only forgotten his child but was actually punishing his child. He showed me that he had heard exactly what I asked for alone in my closet. aNd as long as I was obident and faithful he would give me the desires of my heart.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Standing on the Promises

I let myself be surprised every time that God does something for me. Eventhough the bible tells me that the word of God is truth and will be fulfilled.

How is it that with all the faith in the world we are still amazed at the ability of the father to take care of our needs and heal things that are broken.

Over the last few weeks I feel as though my entire world has been falling down around me and yet in moments of complete weakness and frustration I have learned that in those moments I have two defined choices. 1. I can go the God way, 2. The world way.
Which probably seems like a nobrainer but it's the most difficult decision to make. It's difficult to make the right choice yet in the midst of all other trials and tribulations God shows me that he is still very much right here with me and making sure that if I fall somebody will catch me.

The hardest thing for me to do is go straight the father. I have an entire little circle of women who love the lord and always have just the right words to get me through things. They always know exactly what I need to hear almost as if God himself tells them, Beth's coming this is what you need to say, tell her exactly that and then direct her to me.

The more I talk with God during the week and the more obedient I am the faster my prayer seem to be answered and in moments of weakness he shows me that he's still very much at work in my life. It shouldn't but it still does amaze me when he shows his love for me and the work he is still doing in my life.

2 Corinthians 10:5;We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Going to the doctor today didn't do much to ease my anxiety any less.

I am however no longer afraid of whatever lies ahead. I am however still wondering a waiting to see exactly what it is that my Father has in store for me.

That's the trick I think. Being faithful enough to wait in the wilderness, and not just to wait there but to wait patiently. This is probably the hardest thing that I have ever done. I want so much for this to just be over. I am more than ready to get through this season of my life. So ready to completely just rush through it and move on to the next one. That's all that I can think of maybe the next season will be better than the one I am currently in.

I find myself ashamed of the fact that I'm so scared in this season of life that I want ot skip right on through it and move on to the next. At the same time though what am I missing here. What blessings does he have for me right now that I am missing because of my fear?

Eccleastics 3:1

To everything there is a season,
and a time to every purpose under the heaven.

I am praying now that God will show me the purpose in this season.


Saturday, October 10, 2009


I'm sure we've all had more than our equal share of embarrassing moments. Well this week I believe I surpassed even my own expectations.

I have panic attacks which I've mentioned on here before. Wednesday was a new level of humiliation for me. I was taking a rather easy Algebra quiz that I for once knew how to work the problems in. Yet I quickly found myself unable to breathe. The next thing I knew I was on the floor with about fifteen different sets of eyes staring at me. It took a moment for me to realize where I was and exactly what was going on. Moments later after I'd thrown up twice, J.W. made her appearance very much out of breath. just as it was before it was Johnna to the rescue. Little bit johnna held my body weight that day as well as her own. without even a hint that any of this had inconvenienced her. She saw more of me that day then she probably ever wanted to see in her life, but didn't flinch a bit.

This all may seem very silly to you but it was immeasurable overwhelming to me. Her thing is, it's not a problem not big deal .However it is a huge deal. her kindness and generosity literally overwhelm me. I'm still suprised at just how, i guess, nurturing she is. To a student, me no less.
I find it amusing how God places people in our lives to make things eaiser, and remind us of how important having people to turn to really is. I never imagined that she would be the constant reminder that she is, and stay levelheaded and softspoken. So this blog is written just for her. As yet another way for me to remind her just how thankful I am.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10
Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls for he has no one to help him up.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Still camping out

You'd think that after almost seven days the inital shock of it all would've worn off by now, but it hasn't.

I will admit that i'm no longer scared. It does trouble me to say that I feel like I already know just how hard the days ahead are going to be. It's like knowing something for yourself and waiting for the expert to confirm what you already know to be the reality of the situation.

I find myself like the Isralites still camped out by the mouth of the Jordan. They had it easy. They were there for 3 days, I'm at seven with a long way to go. yet the God that provided for them is the very same one who provided for me. and will keep providing for me. It would be foolish of me to assume that I'd seen what God could do. In the last four days alone he's completely shaken my preconceived notions of what he is capable of. He is always working, always watching, and always loving.

Just saying that last sentence amazes me that he is exactly that and so much more than I could ever possibly imagine. I'm so privileged to know that he is perfect and knows exactly what i need before I can even begin to form the question in my mind.

For now I am still camping awaiting and anticipating the awesomeness that is our GOD.

Psalms 27:14; wait for the lord; be strong and take heart, and wait for the lord.

Saturday, October 3, 2009


I have to apologize for being so busy that I let my performance on this blog suffer. I had a whirl whin of a week and have to share what God did for me.

First I've had alot of trouble with my lymph-nodes, and I finally had enough of trying to figure out what it was. So I went to my doctor who said that I needed to see a hematologist(blood doctor), and an oncologist( cancer specialist). I was completely fine until he said the word oncologist. At that moment I literally felt the air being slowly let out of me. I speed dialed aunt debbie who as usual was saying Beth don't panic until you know what it is. Of course I had ot track her down and she prayed with me and I felt a little better. But I could not get the thought of your going to die out of my head. Well little did I know that the God I so lovingly serve had already started writing my next days.

That night I was in total terror. I couldn't let my mind rest and I also could not find the strength to simply ask God to calm the storm for me and transform me while I was venturing into this new wilderness.
I was on Facebook as I usually am, and frantically searching for familar faces to calm the storms for me.(which is not a good idea) But I had a welcome apology and much needed anti-anxiety.

Thursday I had to take Levi to get his chicken pox shot, and the health department where we live couldn't do it because we have insurance. So I took him to my mama's and she said call the one here Beth and see what they say. I did and they had the shot and it was a mess trying ot get them to see him. I had to go back four hours later for him to get the shot he needed.

The nurse that was helping me with levi's information had heard me say the doctors that I needed to see, and she politely said are you scared. It wasn't a question it was more and acussation of how dare you be scared. I told her I was terrified which was a 100% true, but i'm not the one who writes my days. She chucked and said I knew you were one of us this morning when you handled that situation so well.

The next nurse was christian as well obviously. soon after levi had his shots both nurses came into the room with us and grabbed our hands and prayed. It was the most calming feeling I've ever experienced. Then when it was just me and the second nurse in the room she said to me your going ot be ok regardless of how hard the road looks. I nodded. Then she said its reassuring to know that the same God who saved me so many years ago i can see dwelling in you.
Then when I went into the room with the first nurse again she said basically the same thing the previous woman had said. Then she said something that brought me to tears. I see my Jesus radiating through you.

Luke 12:22; Then Jesus said to his disciples: "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest? .

If he has brought me to it he will lead his child through it.