tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-331299319834075672024-03-13T01:27:41.120-07:00~Daily Walk of the Christian Girl~The Christian life of a single college student isn't an easy one. There are hills and valley's everyday. Jeremiah 29:11; "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you plans to give you a hope and a future."christianchickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14096720612354734706noreply@blogger.comBlogger58125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33129931983407567.post-10886013663878164082013-07-13T20:16:00.001-07:002013-07-13T20:16:59.935-07:00Wandering aimlesslyCan I just say for the record life is hard and messy. I know that probably sounds like something most of us say at least a dozen times in our lives but its true its a colossal mess.
To be more specific my love life is a mess, somebody in the world right this very moment is saying the same thing that I am. And to be perfectly honest its a mess that I have created right by myself, I didn't require anyone's help, although I did manage to drag more than a few innocent people along for the ride.
I have tried for years to get my mind and my life where I think I need it to be, and that is why its such its in such shambles.
I have a tiny confession to make, and the people that really know me will not find this shocking at all. I want to be a Proverbs 31 wife, almost more than I want my next breath. It's a much a part of the plan that I have for my life as the type of home I want and what my children's names will be. That's what I've begun to work on. christianchickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14096720612354734706noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33129931983407567.post-23541037342039127672012-03-07T11:15:00.002-08:002012-03-07T11:20:45.917-08:00letting goToday was just another wonderful example of my Daddy's love for me. <br /><br />I started a new chapter in my life today, and I have to admit that anytime you try to change an attitude, behavior, or a certain way of doing things it's going to be painful. <br /><br /> I'm not going into details on this because it is so personal and intimate for me and honestly I have a hard enough time saying it outloud to myself much less posting it to cyberspace. I'm learning that sometimes its better to let things air out then it is to just puf them in a box and shove them to the far corner of our mind .... <br /><br />It's time for something different, but mostly its time for me to finally figure out who I am as a person and what I like and what I dont like.christianchickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14096720612354734706noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33129931983407567.post-6168806924385728202012-03-06T11:11:00.006-08:002012-07-05T14:29:16.209-07:00White as snowYesterday I learned a very valuable lesson, just because Jesus has forgiven you does not mean the world around you has forgotten. Galatians 6:7 says you will always harvest what you plant. As a believer I've always been conscience of the fact that just because I belong to Jesus Christ does not mean that there aren't consequences for my actions. In fact being a daughter of the king and an heir to the throne of the most precious being, means that my consequences or as I like to call it my daddy gently pulling me back to where I need to be, are immediate. In 1 Peter 2:21 we are told to follow Christ's example and follow His step.We all fall far short. We have not attained to His level of perfection, and yet we "follow after" and "press toward the mark" (Phil. 3:12-14). God has given us a pattern, well a mark to shoot for so to speak, which is all I'm trying to do. <br /><br /><br />I awoke yesterday morning thinking it was going to be a wonderful day, only to have that thought completely ripped to shreds. and believe me that is putting it lightly. someone decided it was a great idea to put somethings on my FB that not only were very private and personal but half of the information was completely bogus. They made reference to the fact that this isn't high school anymore, and that it wasn't necessary to fabricate things for attention. Let me just say that if I meet the girl I was in high school now I would put my bible on the shelf, put my church clothes in a garbage bag and you would never see me darken the doors at any church. I did become very upset,and pleaded with my daddy to make me understand what I had done that I needed this to happen in the manner that it did. I have a full plate I am taking the state nursing entrance exam this month, my to do list is about a mile long. <br /><br /> I ended up at a very special lady's house who since I can't get her on the phone I will not put her name in this. For converstaion purposes I will just call her RL. The first words out of RL's mouth were I just want you to know that whatever you tell me will stay with me unless you tell me otherwise. I felt completely at ease at that moment. I did go into my testimony which you all know I dont' do on a regular basis, mostly because of the condoning looks I get after. I ended up spending the better part of the morning with her. Words can not expalin how comfortable I was with her. I saw not the first hint of judgement in her face I did see a tiny bit of disbelief because to look at me you'd never know what went on before I was a believer. The bible says in Proverbs 31:10-31 what a virtous woman is. She is up before the sun preparing the day for her family, she does tasks with an eagerness to Glorify our father, and she opens her home. I am externally grateful to RL for showing me what a virtuous woman is. She not only was my shoulder, my prayer partner, and so much more that I could never explain in words. She opened her home to me, lovely little me who to her really was a stranger and shared my pain and eased my burden. And I will never be able to show how thankful I was for that. <br /><br />I have to say this next part because I know I can't be the only person on this planet that feels this way. I am not who I used to be I'm not where I should be, but thank you Jesus I'm know where near where I started. As Jesus said to the crowd " let he who is without sin cast the first stone."christianchickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14096720612354734706noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33129931983407567.post-52159295507945279342011-10-18T06:31:00.000-07:002011-10-18T06:45:21.504-07:00Long overdue welcome back....To the very few of you that actually read this I apologize for not posting for so long. I believe that the last year of my life has completely turned my fragil little world upside down but as always my wonderful father was there to lead a helping hand and hold me tightly in his loving arms. <br /><br />January 11 2011 I spent my 21st birthday with my wonderful nana. I did indulge in my first leagal drink let me emphasise this with my GRANDMA. I am not a drinker as we both discovered rather quickly... The next day was January 12, I will never forget the significance of that day as long as I live. I picked Levi and Zoey up from school. Went home for some reason or another. Brandon ( my now deceased brother) was at home and of course was the first one back in the car. We talked and he said," so sis how was your first drink?" I rolled my eyes and said, " sooo not worth it." He laughingly said,your never going ot be a drinker got out of the car and walked into his church. That is my last memory of him. At 10:23 that night my brother arrived at Jenkins County Hospital, and was pronounced DOA. I knew before anyone told me that my bubba was gone. i felt my father come in and wrap his arms around me and say this is going to hurt so I'm going to bandage you up and hold you tight. And guess what he did. Psalms 40:10; be still and know that I am God.christianchickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14096720612354734706noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33129931983407567.post-77495625302771352072010-11-25T17:26:00.000-08:002010-11-25T17:44:03.403-08:00LearningI'm learning quickly lately that nothing happens by accident. Nothing suprises God and nothing is ever allowed to happen without a specific purpose. <br /><br />I am in the middle of a huge growing time. I'm literally watching everything I've ever known fall beautifully to pieces. ANd i am powerless to stop it. People I thought would be there forever have found one reason or another to bail out on me. Which I guess I can understand I am alot to handle.<br /><br />No I don't understand. I can't understand or seem to make myself understand how adn why God would so meticulously surround me with people I love and who love me( or i thought loved me) and people who stand in the gap for me nad Ifor them could just walk away without shedding a single tear. <br /><br />I want to understand. I do I want so badly to understand.christianchickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14096720612354734706noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33129931983407567.post-40242233416400361792010-07-29T18:45:00.000-07:002010-07-29T18:51:42.245-07:00Please forgive me but i have to say itI am breaking a commandment by even typing this but i have to say it.<br /><br />I am on the verge of hating my mother. which I know sounds a little dramatic but that's how i feel. I see other mothers and the way they are with their children and i have to wonder what i ever did wrong to not deserve that from mine.<br /><br />Did i cry too much as a baby, was I not what she thought I would be, and why in the world can i talk to everybody else and make complete sense and then I try to talk to her and at the end of my statement she says you were talking to fast I couldn't understand you. How does everybody else understand me but her. She is supposed to be the one who knows me the best and yet she seems to know me the least. How is that even possible? I was in her womb for crying out loud, and yet she doesnt seem to know me at all. <br /><br />Just like today prime example. She couldnt' tell that I am spiritually and morally torn to pieces over some elicit text messages between myself and a male friend of mine. And she hasn't said one word, and doesnt seem to notice anything. and yet the moment i say hello to someone else the first question i was asked was what's wrong, is something going on you sound funny. And i'm the world's worst at hidding my emotions or even attempting to camoflague them it's always written all over my face.<br /><br />Am i missing something here? If i'm being just a tad bit whiney somebody tell me.christianchickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14096720612354734706noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33129931983407567.post-51558572114090953262010-04-19T19:04:00.000-07:002010-04-19T19:24:24.333-07:00After affectsIt's amazing what happens after a loved one is gone. People's true colors emerge. The ones you thought were infallable fall flat on their faces against unrealistic expectations. and the people you were very aware were flawed show you just how messed up they are.<br /><br />The strangest thing happens when families are forced to get on with their lives after the glue that held everybody together is no longer there to hold everybody together. <br /><br />My mama was a flawed human being to say the least she didn't always do everything right,but she also didn't do everything wrong.<br /><br />She had more compassion in one finger than most people have in their entire bodies.<br /><br />She was the one i went to when things were rough. she knew more about me than i ever thought humanly possible. ANd i never had to utter a single word to her.christianchickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14096720612354734706noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33129931983407567.post-68946495935515234752010-03-30T09:41:00.000-07:002010-03-30T10:01:24.581-07:00Waking upAs most of you have proabably heard by now. My sainted Mama Tommie Lee joined her master March 20.<br /><br />There are still alot of questions that I needed answered but I know that my Daddy is in control. I had the privelage of being with her the Wednesday night before she passed. Now at the time I didnot consider it a blessing. I found myself behaving very much like a mom everytime she moved or stirred I was up and alert. I couldn't shake the feeling that the moment I fell asleep she would go to be with the lord. <br /><br />It was probably the strangest thing I'd ever seen. She couldn't get comfortable and I learned that there are fates that are worse than death. It shook me in ways I hadn't even dared to imagine. During that long night I had my bible with me, I'd intended to let my God hold my hand and instead he chose to use me. I read my bible to her and sang her some hyms. <br />I wish I'd taken my camera. The word of God literally medicated her, it made her clamer it was like watching the best medicine in the world take it's affect.christianchickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14096720612354734706noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33129931983407567.post-17950171616296470482010-03-11T06:27:00.000-08:002010-03-11T06:29:37.951-08:00Ok so college life isn't exactly one that leaves ample amounts of time to do things like post the blog that you love to write. <br /><br />I'm a horrible blogger I know. However in my defense things have unraveled in a way taht I never thought possible in the last couple of weeks. <br /><br /><br />I am excited to say that some of my writing was selected to be printed in the school magazine. I made a 90 on my British Literature midterm, and as far as I know all my grades are A's. So Go me..christianchickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14096720612354734706noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33129931983407567.post-59498093349676728912010-02-23T15:44:00.000-08:002010-02-23T16:02:30.165-08:00AshamedI learned a very valuable lesson today.... I am a horrible person. <br /><br />I never in a million years thought that I would be back where I started. I hurt somebody today without even realzing it until it was pointed out. THe conversation lasted 47 seconds, it took 47 seconds for my world to come crashing down around me. <br /><br />I can apologize till im blue in the face and that doesnt change anything. I love this person dearly, I pray for her more than I pray for myself. And yet I let my hurt feelings get in the way,and instead of clearing things up before they got ugly It just got bigger and bigger with the casualties at two first her then me. It's all the strength I can must to get this out now, so that the other 23 people in the room dont see my ghost white face stained by the tears that are steadily trickling down my face. I can not believe that after all I learned i feel liike I'm back at the starting line. <br /><br />What have I really learned if I let my emotions get in the way. there is no excuse for it and no reason for it either. I have hurt someone and I swore never again would I intentionally hurt somebody but apparently i did today without even realizing it. how selfish is that How do you hurt somebody and not even realize it until they point it out in a tearful less than a minute conversation. <br /><br /><br />Lamentations 3:22-24 <br /><br />The unfailing love of the LORD never ends! By his mercies we have been kept from complete destruction. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each day. I say to myself, "The LORD is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him.christianchickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14096720612354734706noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33129931983407567.post-89006692058013658012010-02-16T14:54:00.000-08:002010-02-16T15:06:52.851-08:00WhoppsI know I'm a horrible blogger. It's been forever since i've posted.<br /><br /><br />I had the greatest experience at bible study last night. The wonderful Kay Authur spoke specifically to me last night. Over the last 6 weeks I have done things with my God that I thought I would never do. I let go of my demons, and allowed some healing to begin. <br /><br />Last night I cried the whole time. Kay's soft words came off the screen and spoke directly to me. " If you will stop whinning and let God work he will use your sin to help someone else, he will use you and reddem you." Aunt Debbie was sitting behind me and not beside me for once, and the moment those words hit her ears she was poking me with a pen. Only for me to turn around and say I heard her.<br /><br />She was speaking to me, and even if I'm the only one who got something as significant as what I got. I got more last night from Kay then I'd gotten in the last six weeks from Percilla and Beth Moore. <br /><br />In the last couple of weeks I have learned more about the strong holds I had layed out for myself. The smallest things make the greatest difference. Letting things go and saying what hasn't been said for so long is the most freeing experience I have ever had. <br /><br />Matthew 5:44-45<br />But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteouschristianchickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14096720612354734706noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33129931983407567.post-47741435209299717402010-01-29T14:44:00.000-08:002010-01-29T16:18:17.120-08:00AcheJust when I thought I was done with an area God shows me that I'm not even close to being done with it. <br /><br />I can't believe that I allowed myself to think that I was. <br /><br /><br />Words hurt. Whether they were meant to be said or not, and areas that I thought no longer affected me, are still verymuch fresh. The hurt is still present. The pain is fresh again. I never thought it would affect me like this.<br /><br />Your all very aware by now that I've had a series of not so successful relationships. Each ending in a different catastrophy from the other. And each one does something different to my self image. I've had to deal with never being enough from just about everyman in existence. Why did i think that once I took men out of the equation for a little while that things would be different? <br /><br />experience should've taught me better. Better question how does a guy go from I can't be in a relationship with someone one right now because im not even sure if I know how to love somebody. and less than a week later they are publically proclaiming their undying love for someone they might have known for 48 hours. Explain how that works to me.Lord I never thought I'd say that I was still a little heart broken but truth is i'm not im completely heart broken. <br /><br />Over lunch today my friend Molly told me that I always seemed so confidant to her.I found myself completely caucht off guard, because I am anythign but confidant. I am probably one of the most selfconscience, self value is at like -10, people you will ever meet. But goes to show I do put on a joyful Christ like appearance to keep from just falling to pieces all the time. I'm not really happy, I attempt to be joyful most of the time, and only when 'I'm completely exhausted do I ever just basically say screw it. I'm not sure of much of anything and most of the time i am ashamed of some of the things I know, becasue of the way i had to learn them. It's never a good thing to pull your own skeletons out the closet. <br /><br />for the first time in a long time, I have no clue what direction to go in. and the one person I need to talk to about this is the one that will not and even if she did she wouldn't fully understand why it's that important to me.<br /><br /><br />I will rest in his knowledge. Psalms 147:3, he heals the brokenhearted and heals up their wounds.christianchickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14096720612354734706noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33129931983407567.post-56738053221828115712010-01-26T10:12:00.000-08:002010-01-26T10:28:59.813-08:00Love1 Thessalonians 2:8; We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well, because you had become so dear to us.<br /><br />I was tempted to put that scripture into first person but I believe that the word of God is perfect the way it is.<br /><br /><br />I've had alot of time to be hurt this weekend. I let a situation bother me so much that I stayed in bed on Saturday. Now the christian woman that i am shouldn't have let Satan get a strong hold but I did. I let him make the worst of it and instead of just letting it go, I let it eat at me. Tear me to pieces and then I got angry. So angry in fact that I would'nt even allow myself to sing in the choir. Which is something i enjoy doing more than you could know. <br /><br /> I did learn somethings though. I expect extradionary measures, when it comes to the people closest to me. and I probably should'nt but I do. <br /><br />I've gottten where lately I put their prayers above my own, and that may not seem like much but it's a huge deal for me. Their hurts become mine,and I'm not complaining because I don't carry their burdens. the Word carries it for me. It's more important to me that they be ok and the only thing that I know how to do, and it's the only time that I dont feel completely and utterly overloaded.christianchickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14096720612354734706noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33129931983407567.post-40025851609823484872010-01-24T09:54:00.000-08:002010-01-24T09:58:51.479-08:00After the stormI have become very aware that my father finds many ways to alert me to things that are coming. Even when they may not be obvious, they are never the less important for me to be aware of. <br />Sometimes things aren't goign to go the way that i plan. Things happen and life get's out of whack. <br /><br />THe point of all this rambling is that in spite of everything that happens my father still wants me to continue to be what he has called me to be. I am called to display the fruit of the spirit in ever aspect of my life and even when things aren't going to unfold the way I want them to. <br /><br /><br />I have ot love.christianchickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14096720612354734706noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33129931983407567.post-74710589909604077382010-01-22T15:22:00.000-08:002010-01-22T15:29:44.826-08:00CrumbleI never understood what it meant to watch your world crumble. <br /><br />Until today.<br /><br /><br />i never thought I'd see the day when I literally watched a part of my life that I had literally thrown my heart into trying to make it better. Yet it crumbled right in front of me and all i could do was stand there and watch the walls fall in on top of me. <br /><br />and now all i can do is ask my God to helpchristianchickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14096720612354734706noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33129931983407567.post-54035933382085769782010-01-07T15:18:00.000-08:002010-01-07T15:26:26.243-08:00Things could get messyOk so in the last couple of months I have learned a massive amount of things and eventhough i'm in college most of my learning did not take place in a classroom. <br />It instead took place facedown on my floor.<br /><br />It's amazing the power that comes from just laying whatever the problem or the burden down and saying I don't know what to do with you so take it. <br /><br />Yet i still feel a tremendous amount of anxiety. I did not know that when you dont' give it to God completely the effects can be physical. For example until yesterday I had no idea that the things I thought I left at the cross still bothered me. I was physically ill. It was all I could do to walk to my car and drive home last night, and the moment my room door closed I lost it. It's one thing ot get sick at church it's another to be sick because your so guilty of things that you thought you were done with.<br /><br />I seriously thought that I was over it and I had moved past it, and then all of a sudden that's all I could think about and the more I thought about it the sicker I got. I have never had that happen. But me and Jesus nailed it down last night and I decided that Jesus did not bring that to my attention he doesn't keep a tab on my sin count somebody else does, and I dont even like saying his name so I'm not going too. But I still feel a little bit greenish today but nothing my father can't take care of.christianchickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14096720612354734706noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33129931983407567.post-53747493426072234692010-01-06T08:53:00.000-08:002010-01-06T09:10:08.590-08:00Taking a long hard lookIt's the beginning of new year once again. I didn't however make a ridiculously long list of things i want accomplish this year. Instead I've decided that I would just write what I want in pencil and hand my God the eraser. <br /><br />For the first time in my walk I am aware on a daily basis that my god is moving, and constantly working. Even when things seems completely hopeless and there isn't a light anywhere. <br /><br />In the last few months I have literally watched scripture unfold in front of me, I feel privileged and honored to be the one who is being used. Words can not express the sheer joy is it to be the one who is listening instead of the one who is always talking. Yes shocking isn't it the I would be the one to say that I talk alot. Frankly it's a fact, and if you know me then you know it's true. I've always been a talker, and it's not always good, but i am working on that. It's a day to day struggle.<br /><br />The people who make the greatest impact in my life are the ones who make me grow. they don't accept anything less than the best of me. and I love them for that. Eventhough it's hard to swallow sometimes..christianchickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14096720612354734706noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33129931983407567.post-13714941229827230002009-12-30T11:26:00.000-08:002009-12-30T11:36:11.414-08:00SinkingOk so... never in my life did i think i'd be in the middle of the sweetest time in my walk with God, at a point in my life when I a questioning everything about my identity. <br /><br />Yet it's a big deal to be in the position that i'm in... i feel very.. idont even know the word for it.<br /><br />It's agreat thing to be on the giving end of a friendship.. to be the one who is for once the one who is listening instead of talking all the time. even when that talking has to do with comforting someone else. when crying is a release to the father for the anguish of someone else.christianchickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14096720612354734706noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33129931983407567.post-634157076309459062009-12-20T12:30:00.000-08:002009-12-20T12:41:44.254-08:00I'm so neglectful<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_aXO5v3X6tP0/Sy6MAGFOMvI/AAAAAAAAABQ/HEJvTysZ_vA/s1600-h/prettypie.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_aXO5v3X6tP0/Sy6MAGFOMvI/AAAAAAAAABQ/HEJvTysZ_vA/s320/prettypie.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5417421335033688818" /></a><br />I've been running so much lately that I haven't posted like I should and like I've wanted to.<br /><br />So much has been going on lately that it all seems to run together. For instance I have 23 days left in my bet with Kdasher and I am winning and have no intentions of losing. which means she and I will be shopping after christmas which she doesnt like to do but then again I dont like not talking to boys either. <br /><br />Yes I actually haven't talked to a boy in well it's been so long I can't remember and believe it or not things are alot less chaotic without the added drama that the men i seem to attract often bring to the table. <br /><br />I'm in a position with my walk that I love. Actually this week my kids Got to pie me as you can see with the pics. they learned their scriptures and I had to reward them but lesson learned that will never happen again. I will never underestimate the power of bribary when it comes to young girls.<br />It was well worth it!christianchickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14096720612354734706noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33129931983407567.post-19672839618653793612009-12-11T13:31:00.000-08:002009-12-11T13:47:24.300-08:00FrustrationWith the help of my "hurricane mom" I realized something today. Life isn't fair. Don't sit there and go duh.. I'm serious. I never realized how complicated that statement was until today.<br /><br />We were having on of our usual conversations you know the kind that starts out casual and then ends up with one preaching to the other. just your A typical conversation between christain women. When she said you know the more time you spend analyzing and watching the things in life that you want that dont have pretty soon that's all your doing. Which is absolutly correct. I've always wanted a relationship that I will never have, the close knit relationship with my mom. And no amount of me analyzing and comparing, and just down right complaining is ever going to change that. <br /><br />However, I feel very humbled right now. Not only did God send me one mom he sent me ten. What started out as five has slowly grown to ten. Some closer than others actually 5 closer than the rest. What i needed he supplied plus ten times more than I could have ever expected and he brought them in at the exact moments i needed them . Whether they realize it or not they have played tremendous roles in the craziness that is my life. And while there have been rocky points. Somehow things seems to develop better and deeper after a storm usually of my causing.<br /><br />I realized something else today. that was not so thrilling. I have absolutly no idea who I am..... that's a bad place to be on the walk with God. that's a bad place to be period. As loud and opinionated as I am you'd think I know the answer to that but 'I really have no idea and that scares me. My mini-nervous breakdown yesterday brought somethings to my attention that I'd rather have left where they were. After all I've been through, and everything I've learned have I really pushed me away so long that I can't retrieve it? That can't be possible. I'm so confused right now and I'm not sure what to do.......christianchickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14096720612354734706noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33129931983407567.post-99703607684066262009-12-10T13:50:00.000-08:002009-12-10T14:28:01.137-08:00FInally done or so I thoughtMy last day of class was today with the completion of my last final... I should probably be relieved but I'm not. When one area of my life seems to fall into place another one falls perfectly to pieces. Hundreds and hundreds of pieces..<br /><br />I haven't mentioned this yet but I recently got a car which is a huge thing since I haven't had one of my own since my senior year of high school. <br /><br />My sister's babysitter broke her hip Friday night so therefore we no longer have one. Guess who the new one is..... ME. I'm so agitated and aggravated that i'm to the point of losing my cool. I have things that I have to do during the week and you can't really do anything with a two year old strapped to your hip. I made arrangements everyday this week so that I could go take my finals. I thought that by Friday my mother would have something worked out so that I could go to my volunteer project tomorrow. No such luck. <br /><br />I may sound selfish but I have literally no patience left and usually I'm very well adjusted to watching zoey but this week with finals and everything else going on I want some whine down time. I need a day of absolutely nothing to do and nobody calling my name. But that will never happen. I haven't been the far at the end of my rope in along time.<br /><br />I am so tired. Tired and worn out. I think if I let myself I would sleep for days.<br />but even then I'm sure that somebody would call my name. I hear people calling my name in my sleep. <br /><br />When I reach the end of my rope the only thing left to do is grab the hem of his garment. <br /><br />Please pray that I dont completely lose it...christianchickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14096720612354734706noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33129931983407567.post-59307815412992771032009-11-26T14:52:00.000-08:002009-11-26T14:56:17.868-08:00ThanksgivingToday is the one day a year when we are all asked to ponder over what we're thankful for. Ond day out of 365 other days. <br /><br />My family's functions are always drama filled if my mother isn't fighting with one or all three of her sisters and her mom it isn't a family function. or somebody is missing. They all criticise one another's cookies and inadvertantly dawg out each other's children. <br /><br />However this is the family that God gave me. Yet I'm thankful for another family today. The one that God created when he sent me to my church. The people that love me no matter what.christianchickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14096720612354734706noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33129931983407567.post-86205316436841530302009-11-22T19:06:00.000-08:002009-11-22T16:06:12.913-08:00AfraidOver the last few weeks I've found myself in a strange position with one of my new well actual it's an old relationship but at the same time it's in the rebuilding stages. <br /><br />Yet as time has passed as it often does. The roles that always defined our relationship have been completely destroyed and what used to be boundaries no longer exist. Almost as if the old one completely died and a new one was created.<br /><br />It's almost as if I've become the giver and she the receiver. In essence I am the strong one and she has become the one who needs me to be the strong one. Its an odd feeling for me since I have never been the one who was needed. I have always been the one in need. However at this point in my walk I find it oddly refreshing that he will see fit that it was my time to equip me to help her. I do find myself inadequate. I don't feel worthy to help her and I'm not sure that I know how. I say what I think I should and what I feel lead to tell her. On the other hands I've made her more than I would ever want to in my entire life and it's only been a few weeks. I guess the point in this blog was to express my fear. I'm terrified that I will fail her in some way. Being that i am human and make many mistakes I fear that I will fall short of what she needs me to be. As she has never let me down before I can't fail her.<br /><br />Fear is a funny thing. It can keep you from saying the things that need to be said, but it can also force you to overcome temptation you thought you never would. Disappointing people one in particular is what seems to be my driving force. I'm reading more than I ever have and praying more than I ever thought I would. <br />I find myself wanting to help a feeling I've don't think I've ever experienced to this degree. I almost feel helpless. <br /><br />I can hear the utter unhappiness in her voice I see less and less of the woman I admired and remember and I can not escape the overwhelming sensation that she needs my help but I have no clue how to even begin. The fact that she is stubborn and strong willed and almost impossible to break doesn't make it any easier. The driving force has become so overwhelming that I can not fail. Even though I am afraid I refuse to stand by and twiddle my thumbs while I slowly lose my friend, whom I dearly love. <br /><br />I have to keep reminding myself that God equips the called. So therefor he must have equipped me before he called me.<br /><br /> <br />Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.<br />—Romans 12:9-10christianchickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14096720612354734706noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33129931983407567.post-74982875185100327852009-11-14T18:45:00.000-08:002009-11-15T05:50:39.237-08:00Hopeless chestI can't believe I'm actually writing a blog about this. It's come to my attention this week that I dont have a hope chest. You all know what that is I'm sure most of you had one. It's usually like a wooden chest that you put things in that you'll use when your married. <br /><br />I'm only nineteen and yes I know that seems young right now but not when a good 70% of the people you know are already married, engaged or having babies.Scary thought isn't it. Try being in the 30% that isn't married, engaged, or even in a relationship and tell me how fun that is.<br /><br /><br />At nineteen this should not even be on my todo list, but for some inexplicipable reason it is. sometimes I find it rather difficult to patientally wait for the Lord. I know that he has it all undercontrol and that my perfect person has already been made for me but somehow I can't even begin to imagine my life without someone. <br /><br />As i was saying earlier I have accumilated things to go into a hope chest or as my nana called it my hopeless chest. I can't believe that I'd even call it that but at times that seems appropirate. There isn't a pospect in sight, and I don't see one in the near future either. <br /><br />For the next couple of days i'm goin to meditate on Psalms 37:7; Rest in the lord and wait patiently for him.christianchickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14096720612354734706noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33129931983407567.post-13896421378918946222009-11-12T19:42:00.000-08:002009-11-12T19:56:42.113-08:00UltimatiumSometimes in life we need someone that we love to make us choose. <br /><br />I had to learn this lesson the hard way this week. I have been in love with someone for almost a year now and I didn't realize that until I had my heart walked over yet again. And had been completely shattered yet again. <br /><br />By now yall all know that I love aunt debbie to pieces. As well as KD. Both of them were within arms reach when the bottom dropped out tuesday. I cried until I had mascara at my chin, and coudln't see three feet in front of my face. I cried until i got sick, and until my head hurt more than my heart did. i dont even think I was mad at him for making me feel that horrible. I was more mad at the fact that I had allowed him to just walk back into my life like nothing bad had ever happened before. <br /><br />As a daughter in the Kingdom of God and as part of the family of God. i should have known better. Yet i walked right into again. Like I hadn't learned anything at all from his past behavior. Almost like I had forgiven and completely forgotten about all of it. <br /><br />Now on to the ultamitum part. While attempting to drive to class still in shambles and utterly heartbroken KD was once again the voice of reason. Making me choose between the two him or her. Wasn't a hard choice I love her to pieces, and do not even want ot imagine not being able to pick up the phone and call her .(been there done that) <br /><br />obviously the guy didn't win this battle but i have to wonder did I want him becasue he wanted me or because I was terrified that nobody else would want me and he was the last one?<br /><br />Psalms 62:1-2; My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.<br /><br />I pray that I will always remember this even when it seems impossible to me.christianchickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14096720612354734706noreply@blogger.com