Thursday, November 26, 2009
My family's functions are always drama filled if my mother isn't fighting with one or all three of her sisters and her mom it isn't a family function. or somebody is missing. They all criticise one another's cookies and inadvertantly dawg out each other's children.
However this is the family that God gave me. Yet I'm thankful for another family today. The one that God created when he sent me to my church. The people that love me no matter what.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Yet as time has passed as it often does. The roles that always defined our relationship have been completely destroyed and what used to be boundaries no longer exist. Almost as if the old one completely died and a new one was created.
It's almost as if I've become the giver and she the receiver. In essence I am the strong one and she has become the one who needs me to be the strong one. Its an odd feeling for me since I have never been the one who was needed. I have always been the one in need. However at this point in my walk I find it oddly refreshing that he will see fit that it was my time to equip me to help her. I do find myself inadequate. I don't feel worthy to help her and I'm not sure that I know how. I say what I think I should and what I feel lead to tell her. On the other hands I've made her more than I would ever want to in my entire life and it's only been a few weeks. I guess the point in this blog was to express my fear. I'm terrified that I will fail her in some way. Being that i am human and make many mistakes I fear that I will fall short of what she needs me to be. As she has never let me down before I can't fail her.
Fear is a funny thing. It can keep you from saying the things that need to be said, but it can also force you to overcome temptation you thought you never would. Disappointing people one in particular is what seems to be my driving force. I'm reading more than I ever have and praying more than I ever thought I would.
I find myself wanting to help a feeling I've don't think I've ever experienced to this degree. I almost feel helpless.
I can hear the utter unhappiness in her voice I see less and less of the woman I admired and remember and I can not escape the overwhelming sensation that she needs my help but I have no clue how to even begin. The fact that she is stubborn and strong willed and almost impossible to break doesn't make it any easier. The driving force has become so overwhelming that I can not fail. Even though I am afraid I refuse to stand by and twiddle my thumbs while I slowly lose my friend, whom I dearly love.
I have to keep reminding myself that God equips the called. So therefor he must have equipped me before he called me.
Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
I'm only nineteen and yes I know that seems young right now but not when a good 70% of the people you know are already married, engaged or having babies.Scary thought isn't it. Try being in the 30% that isn't married, engaged, or even in a relationship and tell me how fun that is.
At nineteen this should not even be on my todo list, but for some inexplicipable reason it is. sometimes I find it rather difficult to patientally wait for the Lord. I know that he has it all undercontrol and that my perfect person has already been made for me but somehow I can't even begin to imagine my life without someone.
As i was saying earlier I have accumilated things to go into a hope chest or as my nana called it my hopeless chest. I can't believe that I'd even call it that but at times that seems appropirate. There isn't a pospect in sight, and I don't see one in the near future either.
For the next couple of days i'm goin to meditate on Psalms 37:7; Rest in the lord and wait patiently for him.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
I had to learn this lesson the hard way this week. I have been in love with someone for almost a year now and I didn't realize that until I had my heart walked over yet again. And had been completely shattered yet again.
By now yall all know that I love aunt debbie to pieces. As well as KD. Both of them were within arms reach when the bottom dropped out tuesday. I cried until I had mascara at my chin, and coudln't see three feet in front of my face. I cried until i got sick, and until my head hurt more than my heart did. i dont even think I was mad at him for making me feel that horrible. I was more mad at the fact that I had allowed him to just walk back into my life like nothing bad had ever happened before.
As a daughter in the Kingdom of God and as part of the family of God. i should have known better. Yet i walked right into again. Like I hadn't learned anything at all from his past behavior. Almost like I had forgiven and completely forgotten about all of it.
Now on to the ultamitum part. While attempting to drive to class still in shambles and utterly heartbroken KD was once again the voice of reason. Making me choose between the two him or her. Wasn't a hard choice I love her to pieces, and do not even want ot imagine not being able to pick up the phone and call her .(been there done that)
obviously the guy didn't win this battle but i have to wonder did I want him becasue he wanted me or because I was terrified that nobody else would want me and he was the last one?
Psalms 62:1-2; My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.
I pray that I will always remember this even when it seems impossible to me.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Friday night I had a first date. Well I guess I can't technically call it a first date because technically we had our thing in high school. Long story short it didn't end well. But the christian in me said you have to forgive and forget. You may be the only bible he ever reads. Went ot a movie and dinner in opposite order. Yes kissing was involved but that wasn't the temptation. I learned early on in the date that he was nervous. I'd never seen him nervous before at least not in front of me. Yet old habits die hard. However I didn't have the desire to push the boundaries like I thought I would.
I did have a hard time telling my circle and KD. I was actually more terrified of telling KD than I was of telling anybody all I could think was she's going to kill me. ( obviously she didn't) But this date was not where temptation came into play.
Sunday night I had some rather interesting texting conversation with yet another ex. I know I know, yall are thinking how many does she have. ENOUGH. Enough to get into trouble . I saw him monday and didn't really think anything of it.
Until we were alone riding around Millen. We finally parked and chatted for a few minutes then I had to go watch One Act . I went to open the door and he said your not getting off that easy and instantly I knew what he meant. I don't ever think my face has ever turned red that fast. Nor have I lost my breathe that fast. He just shook his head, and finally after a few moments of silence I said mind reading is not my God given gift so do what you need to do or let me go. You know the next sentence without me writing it.
Got into my car and instantly prayed lord please help me because in a few moments I could be in alot of trouble. The entire way to one Act all I could think was please dont let it be written all over my face because she will kill me.
We had a long talk after and she said Beth don't you think Satan knows how lonely you are, dont you think he knows that you're looking for a way out. Which of course made perfect sense but I was angry with her for pointing it out.
I haven't seen him in a few days which has given me time to figure out my faith in this and not just my feelings. God always provides a way for us to walk out with our feeling intact.
For the time being mine are and I ask that you pray that I seek his answers in this.
No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. 1 Corinthians 10:13
Sunday, November 1, 2009
We had 16 first time salvation and 140 re dedications. which is a big deal. God was working and that was obvious.
I learned a lot this week and some of it has nothing to do with the Judgment house.
Friends are hard to find, and good ones are harder. In three weeks God has rebuild a relationship that I thought was absolutely impossibly broken. I thought that there was no hope for it and yet last night I found myself speaking with her in a way I hadn't don Ie in so long. I get excited about little things, and the big things usually get me through the long hard days.
I had a date friday night and for me that was a big deal becauseI haven't been on one in along time, much less a good date. But it turned out to be a great night. I did get a kiss which of course made the night.
Now have lots of praying to do.