Thursday, September 24, 2009


It's 1:50 am.... I haven't been to sleep and probably won't go to sleep. It's almost two am I've had class all day and finished a paper tonight, and yet I know that the mom reading this is thinking nineteen year old girl that I know is up and writing, must be boy trouble and you'd be correct.

I've just come out of the worst kind of storm. The kind your not even aware that your in until it all crashes in around you. I'm writing a book for crying out loud. I should be very aware of the situations that I'm in. I should know better. I am so glad I am not standing in front of my Father right now, I wouldn't want him to see the mess that is me at this moment.

Yet, I didn't. I instead chose to wrap it up in a bow and fool myself into thinking that it might be different. That the work God has done in me would somehow make me able to change him into the man I needed him to be. Here's a helpful hint if it didn't work the first time, or the second time, its not going to work the third time. The only difference this time is I hadn't changed who I am, and wasn't willing to compromise how far i'd come. The same man who said I wasn't the marrying kind, is the same one who has me up at 2 am realizing that I am not in control. I can't do anything on my own, and fixing him is not in God's divine plan for me. So at two am I am handing it over never to take it back again. Putting a block on my phone so that I can't even if I'm tempted. I have the greatest friend ever (SAC) who calls and makes sure that I'm past panic mode. I thank God that she wasn't asleep.

I found myself in the last hour saying Father I dont need any more material. And he whispers this did not come from me.

Somebody reading this knows what I'm talking about. This is one those defining moments. A moment when hitting the delete button on all that God has given me and doing what I had to do, and Refusing to settle in the midst of the storm and waiting for God to pull me out.

I chose to wait.

I am hurting right now, and I'm probably going to get no sleep tonight. But I am so much better off knowing that my God is right here with me. Every tear that happens to fall he catches, and is constantly reminding me how important I am to him and how great his love is for me.

It may hurt me now,but that is a way for my father to bring me something better.
This verse is actually the screen saver on my computer.

Psalms 37:7: Rest in the lord and wait patiently for him.


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