Friday, January 29, 2010


Just when I thought I was done with an area God shows me that I'm not even close to being done with it.

I can't believe that I allowed myself to think that I was.

Words hurt. Whether they were meant to be said or not, and areas that I thought no longer affected me, are still verymuch fresh. The hurt is still present. The pain is fresh again. I never thought it would affect me like this.

Your all very aware by now that I've had a series of not so successful relationships. Each ending in a different catastrophy from the other. And each one does something different to my self image. I've had to deal with never being enough from just about everyman in existence. Why did i think that once I took men out of the equation for a little while that things would be different?

experience should've taught me better. Better question how does a guy go from I can't be in a relationship with someone one right now because im not even sure if I know how to love somebody. and less than a week later they are publically proclaiming their undying love for someone they might have known for 48 hours. Explain how that works to me.Lord I never thought I'd say that I was still a little heart broken but truth is i'm not im completely heart broken.

Over lunch today my friend Molly told me that I always seemed so confidant to her.I found myself completely caucht off guard, because I am anythign but confidant. I am probably one of the most selfconscience, self value is at like -10, people you will ever meet. But goes to show I do put on a joyful Christ like appearance to keep from just falling to pieces all the time. I'm not really happy, I attempt to be joyful most of the time, and only when 'I'm completely exhausted do I ever just basically say screw it. I'm not sure of much of anything and most of the time i am ashamed of some of the things I know, becasue of the way i had to learn them. It's never a good thing to pull your own skeletons out the closet.

for the first time in a long time, I have no clue what direction to go in. and the one person I need to talk to about this is the one that will not and even if she did she wouldn't fully understand why it's that important to me.

I will rest in his knowledge. Psalms 147:3, he heals the brokenhearted and heals up their wounds.

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