Crumble

I never understood what it meant to watch your world crumble.

Until today.


i never thought I'd see the day when I literally watched a part of my life that I had literally thrown my heart into trying to make it better. Yet it crumbled right in front of me and all i could do was stand there and watch the walls fall in on top of me.

and now all i can do is ask my God to help

Things could get messy

Ok so in the last couple of months I have learned a massive amount of things and eventhough i'm in college most of my learning did not take place in a classroom.
It instead took place facedown on my floor.

It's amazing the power that comes from just laying whatever the problem or the burden down and saying I don't know what to do with you so take it.

Yet i still feel a tremendous amount of anxiety. I did not know that when you dont' give it to God completely the effects can be physical. For example until yesterday I had no idea that the things I thought I left at the cross still bothered me. I was physically ill. It was all I could do to walk to my car and drive home last night, and the moment my room door closed I lost it. It's one thing ot get sick at church it's another to be sick because your so guilty of things that you thought you were done with.

I seriously thought that I was over it and I had moved past it, and then all of a sudden that's all I could think about and the more I thought about it the sicker I got. I have never had that happen. But me and Jesus nailed it down last night and I decided that Jesus did not bring that to my attention he doesn't keep a tab on my sin count somebody else does, and I dont even like saying his name so I'm not going too. But I still feel a little bit greenish today but nothing my father can't take care of.

Taking a long hard look

It's the beginning of new year once again. I didn't however make a ridiculously long list of things i want accomplish this year. Instead I've decided that I would just write what I want in pencil and hand my God the eraser.

For the first time in my walk I am aware on a daily basis that my god is moving, and constantly working. Even when things seems completely hopeless and there isn't a light anywhere.

In the last few months I have literally watched scripture unfold in front of me, I feel privileged and honored to be the one who is being used. Words can not express the sheer joy is it to be the one who is listening instead of the one who is always talking. Yes shocking isn't it the I would be the one to say that I talk alot. Frankly it's a fact, and if you know me then you know it's true. I've always been a talker, and it's not always good, but i am working on that. It's a day to day struggle.

The people who make the greatest impact in my life are the ones who make me grow. they don't accept anything less than the best of me. and I love them for that. Eventhough it's hard to swallow sometimes..

Sinking

Ok so... never in my life did i think i'd be in the middle of the sweetest time in my walk with God, at a point in my life when I a questioning everything about my identity.

Yet it's a big deal to be in the position that i'm in... i feel very.. idont even know the word for it.

It's agreat thing to be on the giving end of a friendship.. to be the one who is for once the one who is listening instead of talking all the time. even when that talking has to do with comforting someone else. when crying is a release to the father for the anguish of someone else.

I'm so neglectful

I've been running so much lately that I haven't posted like I should and like I've wanted to.

So much has been going on lately that it all seems to run together. For instance I have 23 days left in my bet with Kdasher and I am winning and have no intentions of losing. which means she and I will be shopping after christmas which she doesnt like to do but then again I dont like not talking to boys either.

Yes I actually haven't talked to a boy in well it's been so long I can't remember and believe it or not things are alot less chaotic without the added drama that the men i seem to attract often bring to the table.

I'm in a position with my walk that I love. Actually this week my kids Got to pie me as you can see with the pics. they learned their scriptures and I had to reward them but lesson learned that will never happen again. I will never underestimate the power of bribary when it comes to young girls.
It was well worth it!

Frustration

With the help of my "hurricane mom" I realized something today. Life isn't fair. Don't sit there and go duh.. I'm serious. I never realized how complicated that statement was until today.

We were having on of our usual conversations you know the kind that starts out casual and then ends up with one preaching to the other. just your A typical conversation between christain women. When she said you know the more time you spend analyzing and watching the things in life that you want that dont have pretty soon that's all your doing. Which is absolutly correct. I've always wanted a relationship that I will never have, the close knit relationship with my mom. And no amount of me analyzing and comparing, and just down right complaining is ever going to change that.

However, I feel very humbled right now. Not only did God send me one mom he sent me ten. What started out as five has slowly grown to ten. Some closer than others actually 5 closer than the rest. What i needed he supplied plus ten times more than I could have ever expected and he brought them in at the exact moments i needed them . Whether they realize it or not they have played tremendous roles in the craziness that is my life. And while there have been rocky points. Somehow things seems to develop better and deeper after a storm usually of my causing.

I realized something else today. that was not so thrilling. I have absolutly no idea who I am..... that's a bad place to be on the walk with God. that's a bad place to be period. As loud and opinionated as I am you'd think I know the answer to that but 'I really have no idea and that scares me. My mini-nervous breakdown yesterday brought somethings to my attention that I'd rather have left where they were. After all I've been through, and everything I've learned have I really pushed me away so long that I can't retrieve it? That can't be possible. I'm so confused right now and I'm not sure what to do.......

FInally done or so I thought

My last day of class was today with the completion of my last final... I should probably be relieved but I'm not. When one area of my life seems to fall into place another one falls perfectly to pieces. Hundreds and hundreds of pieces..

I haven't mentioned this yet but I recently got a car which is a huge thing since I haven't had one of my own since my senior year of high school.

My sister's babysitter broke her hip Friday night so therefore we no longer have one. Guess who the new one is..... ME. I'm so agitated and aggravated that i'm to the point of losing my cool. I have things that I have to do during the week and you can't really do anything with a two year old strapped to your hip. I made arrangements everyday this week so that I could go take my finals. I thought that by Friday my mother would have something worked out so that I could go to my volunteer project tomorrow. No such luck.

I may sound selfish but I have literally no patience left and usually I'm very well adjusted to watching zoey but this week with finals and everything else going on I want some whine down time. I need a day of absolutely nothing to do and nobody calling my name. But that will never happen. I haven't been the far at the end of my rope in along time.

I am so tired. Tired and worn out. I think if I let myself I would sleep for days.
but even then I'm sure that somebody would call my name. I hear people calling my name in my sleep.

When I reach the end of my rope the only thing left to do is grab the hem of his garment.

Please pray that I dont completely lose it...