Wandering aimlessly

Can I just say for the record life is hard and messy. I know that probably sounds like something most of us say at least a dozen times in our lives but its true its a colossal mess. To be more specific my love life is a mess, somebody in the world right this very moment is saying the same thing that I am. And to be perfectly honest its a mess that I have created right by myself, I didn't require anyone's help, although I did manage to drag more than a few innocent people along for the ride. I have tried for years to get my mind and my life where I think I need it to be, and that is why its such its in such shambles. I have a tiny confession to make, and the people that really know me will not find this shocking at all. I want to be a Proverbs 31 wife, almost more than I want my next breath. It's a much a part of the plan that I have for my life as the type of home I want and what my children's names will be. That's what I've begun to work on.

letting go

Today was just another wonderful example of my Daddy's love for me.

I started a new chapter in my life today, and I have to admit that anytime you try to change an attitude, behavior, or a certain way of doing things it's going to be painful.

I'm not going into details on this because it is so personal and intimate for me and honestly I have a hard enough time saying it outloud to myself much less posting it to cyberspace. I'm learning that sometimes its better to let things air out then it is to just puf them in a box and shove them to the far corner of our mind ....

It's time for something different, but mostly its time for me to finally figure out who I am as a person and what I like and what I dont like.

White as snow

Yesterday I learned a very valuable lesson, just because Jesus has forgiven you does not mean the world around you has forgotten. Galatians 6:7 says you will always harvest what you plant. As a believer I've always been conscience of the fact that just because I belong to Jesus Christ does not mean that there aren't consequences for my actions. In fact being a daughter of the king and an heir to the throne of the most precious being, means that my consequences or as I like to call it my daddy gently pulling me back to where I need to be, are immediate. In 1 Peter 2:21 we are told to follow Christ's example and follow His step.We all fall far short. We have not attained to His level of perfection, and yet we "follow after" and "press toward the mark" (Phil. 3:12-14). God has given us a pattern, well a mark to shoot for so to speak, which is all I'm trying to do.


I awoke yesterday morning thinking it was going to be a wonderful day, only to have that thought completely ripped to shreds. and believe me that is putting it lightly. someone decided it was a great idea to put somethings on my FB that not only were very private and personal but half of the information was completely bogus. They made reference to the fact that this isn't high school anymore, and that it wasn't necessary to fabricate things for attention. Let me just say that if I meet the girl I was in high school now I would put my bible on the shelf, put my church clothes in a garbage bag and you would never see me darken the doors at any church. I did become very upset,and pleaded with my daddy to make me understand what I had done that I needed this to happen in the manner that it did. I have a full plate I am taking the state nursing entrance exam this month, my to do list is about a mile long.

I ended up at a very special lady's house who since I can't get her on the phone I will not put her name in this. For converstaion purposes I will just call her RL. The first words out of RL's mouth were I just want you to know that whatever you tell me will stay with me unless you tell me otherwise. I felt completely at ease at that moment. I did go into my testimony which you all know I dont' do on a regular basis, mostly because of the condoning looks I get after. I ended up spending the better part of the morning with her. Words can not expalin how comfortable I was with her. I saw not the first hint of judgement in her face I did see a tiny bit of disbelief because to look at me you'd never know what went on before I was a believer. The bible says in Proverbs 31:10-31 what a virtous woman is. She is up before the sun preparing the day for her family, she does tasks with an eagerness to Glorify our father, and she opens her home. I am externally grateful to RL for showing me what a virtuous woman is. She not only was my shoulder, my prayer partner, and so much more that I could never explain in words. She opened her home to me, lovely little me who to her really was a stranger and shared my pain and eased my burden. And I will never be able to show how thankful I was for that.

I have to say this next part because I know I can't be the only person on this planet that feels this way. I am not who I used to be I'm not where I should be, but thank you Jesus I'm know where near where I started. As Jesus said to the crowd " let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

Long overdue welcome back....

To the very few of you that actually read this I apologize for not posting for so long. I believe that the last year of my life has completely turned my fragil little world upside down but as always my wonderful father was there to lead a helping hand and hold me tightly in his loving arms.

January 11 2011 I spent my 21st birthday with my wonderful nana. I did indulge in my first leagal drink let me emphasise this with my GRANDMA. I am not a drinker as we both discovered rather quickly... The next day was January 12, I will never forget the significance of that day as long as I live. I picked Levi and Zoey up from school. Went home for some reason or another. Brandon ( my now deceased brother) was at home and of course was the first one back in the car. We talked and he said," so sis how was your first drink?" I rolled my eyes and said, " sooo not worth it." He laughingly said,your never going ot be a drinker got out of the car and walked into his church. That is my last memory of him. At 10:23 that night my brother arrived at Jenkins County Hospital, and was pronounced DOA. I knew before anyone told me that my bubba was gone. i felt my father come in and wrap his arms around me and say this is going to hurt so I'm going to bandage you up and hold you tight. And guess what he did. Psalms 40:10; be still and know that I am God.

Learning

I'm learning quickly lately that nothing happens by accident. Nothing suprises God and nothing is ever allowed to happen without a specific purpose.

I am in the middle of a huge growing time. I'm literally watching everything I've ever known fall beautifully to pieces. ANd i am powerless to stop it. People I thought would be there forever have found one reason or another to bail out on me. Which I guess I can understand I am alot to handle.

No I don't understand. I can't understand or seem to make myself understand how adn why God would so meticulously surround me with people I love and who love me( or i thought loved me) and people who stand in the gap for me nad Ifor them could just walk away without shedding a single tear.

I want to understand. I do I want so badly to understand.

Please forgive me but i have to say it

I am breaking a commandment by even typing this but i have to say it.

I am on the verge of hating my mother. which I know sounds a little dramatic but that's how i feel. I see other mothers and the way they are with their children and i have to wonder what i ever did wrong to not deserve that from mine.

Did i cry too much as a baby, was I not what she thought I would be, and why in the world can i talk to everybody else and make complete sense and then I try to talk to her and at the end of my statement she says you were talking to fast I couldn't understand you. How does everybody else understand me but her. She is supposed to be the one who knows me the best and yet she seems to know me the least. How is that even possible? I was in her womb for crying out loud, and yet she doesnt seem to know me at all.

Just like today prime example. She couldnt' tell that I am spiritually and morally torn to pieces over some elicit text messages between myself and a male friend of mine. And she hasn't said one word, and doesnt seem to notice anything. and yet the moment i say hello to someone else the first question i was asked was what's wrong, is something going on you sound funny. And i'm the world's worst at hidding my emotions or even attempting to camoflague them it's always written all over my face.

Am i missing something here? If i'm being just a tad bit whiney somebody tell me.

After affects

It's amazing what happens after a loved one is gone. People's true colors emerge. The ones you thought were infallable fall flat on their faces against unrealistic expectations. and the people you were very aware were flawed show you just how messed up they are.

The strangest thing happens when families are forced to get on with their lives after the glue that held everybody together is no longer there to hold everybody together.

My mama was a flawed human being to say the least she didn't always do everything right,but she also didn't do everything wrong.

She had more compassion in one finger than most people have in their entire bodies.

She was the one i went to when things were rough. she knew more about me than i ever thought humanly possible. ANd i never had to utter a single word to her.